u/Elderberrie4200s

i saw a video of workers in a movie theatre cleaning up you know what and someone pointed out they could’ve done it from anxiety (which is something i frequently feel i’m about to do when i’m anxious) and everyone is saying how disgusting that is and how they would be so mad and how gross that person is and i want to see a movie on the 29th and the thing ive been telling myself lately you know is “i can throw up wherever i want to it’s natural ill just leave idk” basically. now im scared again. i don’t know. i know its gross but like god damn sometimes i just start retching like i get so scared and now i know people truly will judge you for it

i don’t even know how it’s possible to be so horribly afraid of the same thing for this long. you’d think i’d be used to it by now or it wouldn’t bother me as much. my problem is that once the day is over my mind completely resets so everything i did the day before is just completely irrelevant to my body. i need to REALLY be okay with the possibility and idk how to get there. when i think about throwing up im afraid it won’t be one and done and i’ll have to sit in my room in silence and just suffer through being sick for days not able to do anything because well im sick. not being able to distract myself from it. i haven’t done it in so long so tonight i am going to actually ruin my life from drinking so much and the goal is to vomit then maybe i’ll chill the fuck out

i am starting clomipramine in 6 days and i am very afraid. i am already extremely anxious and if my anxiety gets any worse i will genuinely be suffering. i am extremely sensitive to medication i can take it once and know that i cant ever take it again. i am running out of things to try. i am concerned with the side effects because i have health anxiety so bodily sensations are constantly bothering me no matter what im feeling. i also have SEVERE reflux if that means anything. so i dont want it to make that worse. i take 2 pepcid everyday to manage it though.