Violent father Violent Daughter(ya thats me the daughter)
I have never known of a person who is angrier than me. Like, not even my parents. But I guess my father is a tiny bit angrier than me. Cuz I inherited this from my one and only dad. Just like how he projects his sense of violence towards my mother, likewise, I project it to my sisters. I am so angry most of the time when I have a convo with my father or siblings. I feel so angry that I am typing this shit. I feel sooooo angry that I don't know when I might not be able to endure it. And I know for sure that the day I can't endure this, my path will be even more diffficule that it already is, like I'll have to start begging on the road…. That day is fearsome to me as well, like I might say anything and run away from this so-called "home" like shit. And if I run away from this shit, I will be throwing away all their hard work, expectations, and everything to the achi's(poop's) sewer. This is the only thing that’s holding nd tying me down like…. Plp might endure for their future, I was enduring for my future, but Now All im enduring for them to preserve their hard work… ugh, that's why my life feels so tiring. Only if they had not given birth to me. This is sooo angrifying that it makes my blood boil, and I might faint from high blood pressure. It's really angrying. What if my father had the brains to not waste the money he earned in his youth…(it's his money, his choice), but if he was going to spend his money like that, wouldn’t I be better if he had married those girls instead of my mother… and he shouldn’t have given birth to us 4 kids. If he hadn't given birth to 4 of us, whom he could barely provide for, and more than provisions, all he provides is trauma, ego, and whatever. Did he have to give birth to so many of us? It's his fault that he had 4 of us and he have to work hard for us, but why does he have to be so angry with us as if it was not the result of his own lack of knowledge ---- wait wait wait..it was lack of care like he knew what he was inviting when he allowed the birth of rest 2. Like our youngest is a son and he was born 15 yrs later than me, during lockdown(corona quarantine) when we were at our lowest. Lol.
Tbh Im 18 and you might think that if Im 18then I should provide for myself... like I should.I really should. But he doesnt allow me to work. He want to send me abroad next year so Im just studying my 1st year Bachelors. And you might say, "Look he is doing so much for you. You are ungrateful.". Yes so what.
My extent of gratefulness is only that Ill go abroad, pay all the loans he will be taking for my abroad fees, pay him for paying other loans, pay him for my education, and pay him for his living. That's it. I am waiting for the day when I really won't have to be held as captive as I am now. Oh gosh. when will I be so free? I feel so mentally shackled like... . He is my dad. He took care of me all these years. He took care of my siblings. Although he was a very violent person towards mom and us...He would still take care of us, love us. Though his way of loving was bad sometimes. I would forgive him... I could do nothing but forgive him because I am indebted to him. But at the very events, I would hate him so much... but I could never wish for him to die. I could never. I can't wish for him to die even now. But now I can't forgive him either. Because however mentally strong I am, I am too much scarred to ever let it go.
I'll continue the next time Im in mood, I have my exam in next few hours.... and i was too angry to study.