Boyfriend cheated while blackout drunk, says he doesn’t remember, very remorseful. Do relationships come back from this?
I (22F) found out a few days ago that my boyfriend (22M) cheated on me while I was out of town visiting family. We have been together for [ 3years] and live together.
The situation feels very gray to me, which is why I’m struggling so much with what to do.
He went out drinking with friends multiple nights in a row while I was away. He never goes out and never drinks. One night he got extremely, extremely drunk (blacking out). I found out through the girl involved, not through him initially, as he says he doesn’t remember.
From what I know, they kissed at the bars and then went back to her place. They did not have sex, but there was other sexual activity.
He says he genuinely does not remember most/all of it happening because he was blackout drunk. I know people will say that being drunk is not an excuse, and I agree. But I also believe he was truly very intoxicated and not just saying that… had a four loco and many shots. From everything I know, this was very out of character for him. He almost never goes out like this and basically went way too hard while friends were in town.
Since finding out, he has been extremely remorseful. Crying, apologizing, taking accountability, answering questions, saying he’ll do whatever it takes, willing to stop drinking/go to counseling, etc. He isn’t blaming me or the relationship.
I feel completely split. Part of me thinks: this was out of character, alcohol played a huge role, people make horrible mistakes, and maybe relationships can survive one terrible event with enough work. That our relationship was in a spot where we both needed to put more work in, we both had lit hardest years due to separate personal things… that we could come out stronger.
Am I disrespecting myself if I stay?
Will I become paranoid about where he is, who he’s with, and who he’s texting?
Will I ever trust him again?
Is staying just me avoiding heartbreak?
At the same time, I still love him and I can genuinely see a world where we rebuild something stronger after processing this. I also know Reddit tends to be very “leave immediately,” but I’m hoping for nuanced advice from people who have either stayed after cheating or left after trying.
Has anyone experienced something similar, especially involving alcohol/blackout drinking and genuine remorse? What made you decide to stay or leave? What signs actually mattered in predicting whether trust could be rebuilt?