I accepted a blood transfusion and now I question everything
I had an emergency surgery and I accepted blood, I was really scared.
I ended up confessing to my jw familly (mom and brother), and they told me that if I didn't want to confess they would keep it a secret.
I honestly don't have any regrets but I've been questioning myself if I wanna continue doing this
If i confess and show fake repentance probably I'll get reproved and everyone will find out and treat me differently
If i confess and not show repentance which is my current state of mind, I will get expelled or disassociate idk
The other option is not to say anything
But theres another problem
I've been in "recovery" and not going to the meetings
A lot of brothers and sisters have come visit me and every meeting they ask my family about me, they have this image of me of a good girl which I kinda am, i don't have a double life or something else.
My family now is pressuring me to go back to the meetings, I use the excuse that I don't feel physically ok but that excuse won't last for long.
Honesty my close family is not super spiritual, as you can tell, but somehow they don't want me to go apart
I don't have i job, I lost it cause of the surgery so I can't go independent
And I'm really sad because most of my friends are in the organization and I don't wanna lose them but at the same time I don't feel happy anymore, I don't like preaching or have to talk about my inexistant goals in the organization, my close family I'm for sure they will still talk to me but they would be really disappointed
My congregation is really nice but I feel like I dont deserve them, I feel that God doesn't listen to me anymore, I have this conflict in mind that I won't see my late dad in paradise (i know this sounds stupid)
And the whole idea to be apart it terrifies me but at the same time I'm tired of doing things that I dont want to.
I've been feeling stuck for years but this was a breaking point and I feel very distressed.
Thanks for reading, I needed to get it out without judgment. I'll be reading your advice or words.