The thought of dating makes me feel sick
**Question**: Does anyone else feel this way? Is there anyone single and happy that can give me some motivation or advice? Or perhaps someone that used to feel like this but got better. Please, i really need this.
**Story**:
Let me explain! I’m 22 (f) and I’ve never dated anyone before. I’ve been on a 3 dates in total, 2 the same guy 1 was another, but after every single one I’ve went home with a rock in my stomach. I’m so serious when i say the thought makes me physically sick. I don’t understand. Why do i dream of being a “normal” woman with a husband and kids when every time i have the opportunity to make it reality i flee the scene. a few days ago i went out with a boy i knew from years back but this is the first time we’ve ever hung out. The idea of dating seems nice, but the thought of him thinking i want something or want to rush into anything is making me have a panic attack.
Maybe I’m okay with just my own family that i already have, maybe id be peaceful on my own, but i keep trying because that’s how the world works right? But i haven’t figured out if that’s what is right for me.
Who am i? I’m pretty sure I’m neurodivergent first of all, my siblings are and I’m the only one without a diagnosis (i’m the oldest). I’ve always been quiet and liked my alone time, always in control and thinking about me. I get along with everyone i meet, maybe that’s my downfall. I’ve accidentally led people on by my choice of words when all i wanted was to just be nice. I’ve been wondering if my neurodivergence has ties to my dating life, or life in general (i have been thinking that for years but yous know how hard diagnosing an adult female is already). I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve, they’re locked away in a little box until i explode after everything gets too much. I only have two close friends and i don’t wish to make any more because the thought of that is also very strange. Maybe this is it for me. I only really go to places i know already, if I’m too anxious out for a meal i can’t eat, and overall when the thoughts get too loud i can hardly talk to whoever I’m with because I’m fighting off vomiting or hyperventilating. I enjoy doing things by myself, with a partner i feel like people look at me. They think, “She has a boyfriend” i don’t like to be perceived even though we as people are seen and heard every single day…
But also, i’m pretty sure i mask 24/7 until I’m in my room alone at the end of the day. When with a friend or someone it feels like i’m playing pretend. Have a look around and catch the vibe, i can either join in and push myself or leave. It could be my own birthday party and once I’ve had enough i literally can’t do any more. I’m sorry i know that’s not dating but I’m trying to explain as much as i can for some advice.
So now I’m working myself up really bad. I’m scared of the “possibility”. i hate possibilities because I’m not in control. I genuinely begin to hate myself when i begin to put barriers in front of a life like that. Which makes me think, well, maybe dating isn’t actually what i want… but i don’t know how to accept it?
I’ve questioned liking women, I’ve questioned liking men, I’ve questioned liking all or no one at all but i have no idea how to understand it for real. I’m already not sexually active and don’t ever see that changing to be honest (another reason i’m avoidant of dating), might be fear in general, fear of the unknown, or maybe that’s just me and i’m not into it. Just like how I’ve dreamed of boyfriends I’ve dreamed of girlfriends too which just confuses me even further… idk if it’s just another human i don’t want to kiss or if it’s a gender thing or what 😭 because even writing this I’m like “maybe it’s because i don’t like men”. I could ask someone i know but then i don’t want to open a can of worms and now someone has the wrong idea about me. Wrong idea: i’m a lesbian. Right idea: i don’t actually know! I don’t want to be tied down to one idea yet. It’s so confusing I’m sorry this is so long. I’ve talked to friends about this but we have different experiences and the advice just isn’t hitting because of that.
But what also really gets to me (overly emotional) is feeling bad for the other person. What if he’s happy he may have found someone while I’m crying and panicking over it like it’s the end of the world. That’s not fair in the other person. I also get sad for myself when i think of losing the “what if” which would be meeting a new family and creating more bonds. I’m afraid of hurting someone else more than myself. I honestly feel like I’m a failed human. Everyone around me makes it look so easy. You go on a few dates and before you know it you like each other, now you’re dating, now you’ve moved in together, now you’re married, now you have kids. I just don’t see myself as a granny… in order to be a granny you have to have kids first… i’d love to be pregnant and have a child but then… it’s a fantasy really… just the same as me being a knight in shining armour is a fantasy. I enjoy the fantasy, but in real life would i be capable?
I’ve been trying to figure out more about myself. I don’t see another person beside me in my life, though it sounds nice and that’s the perfect picture isn’t it? Husband, wife, kids, maybe a dog. But that image fades more and more each day and maybe i should just let it instead of getting rope burn holding on to something that is just a figment of my imagination.
Do i hold on for that hope or do i begin exploring more about my independence? I’ve always thought, well if i get my career job and I’m making good money then maybe I’ll meet someone a change, when the time is \*right\*. Then i’m like… how am i expecting that to happen if i don’t do anything to help? My dream person isn’t just gonna fall from the sky! I don’t have a type either i don’t think…
I could be happy on my own. A flat to myself, a cat, but who to talk to? I have a family ofc but what about a permanent friend? I don’t have a single \*best\* friend but the friends i have are more than enough. I just don’t think I’m capable of maintaining a relationship. It’s effort and it’s work i know, and lots of people do it, i just don’t think i have in me. I feel like a disappointment almost. I’ll never give my parents grandkids or my siblings nieces/nephews. Never have a wedding. Never have a partner to always travel with (though travelling is another thing i feel like this way, i don’t like travelling but i WANT to… even though i have panic attacks about that too).
Idk. I’m scared of the big world it seems. I like my little bubble that i have created. This boy is very nice, the others i have met were also very nice. It’s me. I’m the problem. I can’t commit. It terrifies me to genuinely the point I’m in floods of tears, you’d think someone had passed away the way i cry… I just don’t understand what’s so hard. I’ve always been an anxious person for personal reasons and it follows you to adulthood.
I guess i want to know if it’s okay to feel this way. Does anyone have advice? Has anyone went through something similar and came out the other side okay? Please, if you can drop a comment because I’m so worked up over this. I don’t want to talk to my parents about it because i don’t want them worrying or not giving me the right kind of thing i want to hear. It’s normally “you’ll find the right person” which just churns my stomach. I feel embarrassed. I feel like I’m lying for some reason because if the way they talk is “it’s okay, does he treat you well etc.” then it gets into my head that i should continue then the whole process starts again.
Thank you for reading this.