Idk what my life has come to, and its all my fault.
basically the title. ive had a tightly knit friend grp from the 11th grade. one of them is friends w me since i was 5. and now we are in clg, and today the friend that has been frens with me since i was 5 (lets call her X) js told me 'u make 0 effort to make time for ur friends' and she is right. she also told me 'we r drifting apart. u kinda just went ur own way after skl' and she is right. we met up on my birthday last year, and that spark wasnt there? she hasnt changed, and idk if ive changed. but like, we just COULD NOT talk like we used to. i didnt k what to talk about, AT ALL. and it really sucks yk?
thing is, ive had really strict parents, (borderline abusive) so i stopped trying to convince them to meet up with my friends. i cant move out due to circumstances. i feel like the rest of my friend group is pretty close, but bc i dont hang out with them, im the one who is drifting apart. theres 4 other ppl in my friend group, and i can talk to 2 of them perfectly alright (one of them has a similar personality as me and another one of them is introverted, so i can js talk with them abt wtv). the rest 2 (one of them is X), i just CANT bring myself to talk to. idk what to talk abt with them for sum reason. and its so weird, bc X has been a lifelong friend, and the other girl i cant talk to, studies in my college. and so, i dont really call them to talk bc idk what to talk to them abt. X is (rightfully) irritated by the fact that i dont hang out with them and i dont initiate hangouts, and i did explain to her that its bec of my parents, or even if my parents do allow, sum other situation crops up (we try to meet atleast once a year). and she did understand, but i feel AWFUL. i dont know. i dont feel the connection to X and the other girl anymore, maybe we can have a small lil chat, but like, idk if i can feel truly connected to these people again. and other things in my life are falling apart, and i feel terrible. please be kind. i know im in the wrong here, atleast partially. but i really dont know how to fix this. pls be kind, and im sorry for how messy this is. its like 12 am and i really needed to clear my head. thank you