u/Electrical_Hurry6544

It seems that many people commenting on posts giving "advice" don't realize the gravity of what they are doing. Advice and passing a judgement are completely different things. Many people on here are straight up passing judgements on every OPs spouse and how awful and evil they are.

Just this week, I have seen a commenter use words like "nasty, vile" being used for people they don't even know and are not even present. Who told you that this person is vile over the one action described in a biased post? That is a whole muslim with honor of their own.

We have to realize people post here during conflict most of the time from high conflict relationships, which is almost never a one sided ordeal. Unless there is mention of major haram like zina, physical abuse, gambling, alcholism - why are we passing verdicts on people and turning spouses against each other? Advice involves giving the next steps to OP that may help their situation. Not telling them how much of a loser they are for staying because "hey I would never allow myself to take xyz."

One of my friends got divorced because of this subreddit and it was a whole thing in her family. Her husband posted on here. "Wife is disrespectful, crazy, kicked me out" and he got verdicts. Judgements. NOT ADIVCE. "She needs psychiatric help, send her back to her parents (haram btw), how disrespectful I would serve divorce papers the next day." Just one-sided verdicts filling his ears. He divorced her. Afterwards she revealed that he was cheating on her the entire relationship and she didnt want to reveal it because she was hoping things would get better. That her anger would subside, that she will love him again, and she didnt want to reveal her husbands flaws and then regret it. I know she should've divorced him any way but she was SHAMED in the process. Publicly. While she kept secrets. And this subreddit gave him the audacity to do that to her. Last I heard, he wants her back. And she said she could've forgiven the cheating but not the character assassination during divorce.

Another heartbreaking thing I noticed is people choosing to reveal that they are divorced through their flairs but then being shamed for being divorced if they say something people disagree with. There was a sister on here that deleted her account recently, I would dm her sometimes. She had made many posts for months about being cheated on and financially abused. And EVERYONE told her to leave her husband. Eventually she did. The other day a couple men replied to her "well not surprised you're divorced" because they didnt agree with her on something. SubhanAllah. Her account is no longer there because I know that is not the first time men shame her for being divorced without knowing in what circumstances she had to ask for khula. And honestly I would dare them to say it to her face or her father's face. They wouldn't. Apparently Islamic rules don't apply to you when it's the internet?

This is a MUSLIM community. An islamic space and islamic rules need to be upheld here by ALL members. I urge the space to use their words wisely. To stop giving emotional verdicts. And to give advice rather than pass judgements on characters. These are real marriages. REAL muslims.

Everyone here is accountable for their words.

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:

“When two disputing parties come to you, then do not pass a judgement against one party until you hear the other person’s case. [After hearing out both parties] A ruling will then become clear.”

(Musnad Ahmad, vol. 1, pg. 149. Also see: Sahih Ibn Hibban; Al Ihsan, Hadith: 5065)

Edit- I am not anti-divorce, I am pro-respectful language and basic respect in online conversations. Because truth is you will never have the full picture in these posts. The least we can do it not get emotional over half information. If you know that people lie on here, why are you getting emotional? Give logical advice and thoughts without insults and rage.

Assalamualaikum….

I have observed a pattern nowadays, people are talking, getting emotionally attached, sharing pics, sharing day-to-day lives, getting vulnerable, chatting a lot, sometimes even meeting personally… in short, giving spouse treatment (emotionally) to a potential, which is still a non-mahram, and many times these are done without involving parents/Wali.

This often turns into what people call ‘soft dating,’ even if it didn’t start that way. It starts with one random message, seeming very innocent, genuine, enthusiastic, and whatnot, but later, when it gets serious, things suddenly don’t work out, or they emotionally manipulate you, use you, give you fake promises, suddenly they remember they are not ready for marriage, or they tell you their parents will never accept. It may start with a halal intention, but the way it unfolds often goes beyond the boundaries Islam sets.

Now, Islam doesn’t prohibit people from interacting for marriage, you can get to know each other, BUT within an Islamic frame. The very first thing is seriousness: to know if someone is even serious about you. This is exactly why women have Wali, involve them asap, it will protect you, give you clarity. There are boundaries, modesty, haya, capability, protection, and respect. No one can use you, take advantage of you, love bomb you, talk or ask anything inappropriate, and most importantly, you won’t get emotionally attached and your heart will be protected, Insha’allah. This is also for men, please involve your parents and ask the woman to involve her Wali, don't let anyone take advantage of you.

The talking stages are dangerous and are a trap because there is no commitment, there is uncertainty, second-guessing, false sense of compatibility, time wastage, investing emotions for a non-mahram (which should be only for a spouse), getting heartbreak, getting used to talking with each other, getting your hopes high, having second thoughts (if they don’t reply fast or they are not talking continuously to you), trust issues, need time to “get over them”, flirting, etc etc.

All these things are Emotional Intimacy, which holds that much weight in marriage as physical intimacy, if not more. These things are valuable, precious, and beautiful aspects of marriage. And when you get these things outside of marriage, you lose the essence of it; you’ll have emotional baggage, comparisons, and these things affect the spouse really badly, who didn’t go through the talking stages, or who only talked under their parents’ supervision. Wanting connection, understanding, and companionship is natural, but Islam teaches us to pursue it in a way that protects us, not harms us, which is through marriage.

Talking stage or getting to know each other does not always mean it is leading to marriage; it is an illusion that “We are serious.” If it’s serious, there will be family involvement, a timeline, an actual conversation regarding marriage, and clear intentions.

Whenever you get a message, or you find a match, let your parents know, and even let the potential know that your parents will be involved from the start. You can even let both of your moms talk first, then share biodata and pics indirectly through them. In the first message, you can share your ISO (if you have), or share your age, location, your education, and what you are looking for in a spouse, and what your own values are, and if this aligns, involve your parents ASAP, and only after this is okay, then you can communicate & ask the right questions which will give you an idea if you are compatible or not. Again, it's best to avoid unnecessary interaction and not attach your emotions to them. Pray lots of Istikhara, and make a lot of dua.

A gentle advice: Please do not give emotional access to anyone (opposite gender) who isn’t committed to you, i.e., married, protect your haya and heart, take proper steps if you’re serious, don’t be involved in long talking stages. There should be clarity during this stage, not just chemistry. Don’t use anyone or let anyone use you.

May Allah protect our hearts from attachment that leads us away from Him, and guide us to what is pure, sincere, and pleasing in His sight. May He grant us the wisdom to choose correctly, the patience to wait for what is right, and the strength to walk away from what is not written for us. May Allah bless us with righteous spouses who bring sakinah into our lives, who are a means of us getting closer to Him, and who treat us with mercy, respect, and understanding. May He place barakah in our marriages, protect them from harm and bad intentions, and make our homes places of tranquility, love, and remembrance of Him. May He forgive our shortcomings, overlook our mistakes, and replace any hurt we have experienced with something far better. Ameen.