Negativity is ruining me (long post)
I feel so guilty even writing this down but I can’t hold it in any longer. I need advice on what to do.
I love my husband, I really really do. He is such a great guy, so hard working, funny, caring, he helps with chores around the house and works so hard, but his negativity and explosive anger is ruining me.
We knew eachother for a while before we got together. I always thought he was the most charming, funny, sweet guy, and now I ask myself what I got myself into. This isn’t what I thought it was going to be, he isn’t who I thought he was.
I used to be a carefree, positive, outgoing, patient person, but he has completely changed me. He is the most negative person I know. Don’t get me wrong, times are tough, everything is expensive, and life isn’t what we thought it would be, but I ALWAYS try to see the positive side and when I do, he gets mad. I changed completely for him, I took out my piercings, I dress more girly, I honed in my ADD (he hates repetitive noises, humming, tapping, leg shaking etc) and I took on the responsibility of his kids and became a step parent. We now also have a bio child together.
He has explosive anger and it’s getting more frequent. I am empathetic, his job SUCKS and is so stressful, he has to worry about the bills (I’m a SAHM), fixing the house, spending time with us and doing everything in the little time he has. He says this is why he has such a short fuse. Again, I understand and I’m sympathetic but I don’t think my mental health can deal with it anymore. I along with our kids, walk on eggshells around him. Worried about when the next time he’s gonna blow up or be in a foul mood. One tiny thing can set him off and then he’s in a bad mood for the rest of the day. He is always comparing himself to everyone else and then getting upset that he doesn’t have this or that and that makes him in a bad mood and he takes it out on us. He explodes at the kids when he has to tell them to do something more than once, and gets SO angry when we say anything after he tells us what to do, it’s his way on his time, or is anger.
When he is angry, there is nothing, anyone can say to help. We just have to apologize, stay quiet, and wait for him to simmer down. I feel like every weekend when he’s home, it’s the most stressful negative time. During the week when he’s at work, yeah the kids act out and push buttons, but no one is yelling, we are all calm and can tell each-other our feelings and work through our issues, on the weekends, we can’t. He gets mad when I stand up for myself or the kids, tells me HE is their dad so I can’t say anything. I’m a shell of who I was. I can feel myself getting less patient, more negative, and just feeling so down and depressed. I have to constantly reassure him that he’s a good husband and dad and in the back of my head I think, are you though?
When he’s angry he “says things he doesn’t mean”. For instance, he tells me to have more special awareness, tells me that I’m always in the way, even tells me to Fuck off when we are fighting. He says things like I’m acting like a teenager, or says I’m acting like my mother. He even once said “okay (insert BM’s name)” comparing me to her. He often says “I’m so done with all of you” “I’m so sick of you guys” and once before we got married he said “you aren’t my family”. It has stuck with me since. He apologizes everytime but he still does it. I have told him that he needs to stop being mean when he fight and stop making his bad mood everyone’s problem, it just makes him more mad.
What do I do? I have tried to talk to him, he apologizes every time, but nothing changes. How do I approach asking for counseling, I really don’t want to get divorced, I just want everything to be okay.
TLDR: When he’s in a good mood, it’s wonderful and he’s my best friend and I love him so much, but when he’s angry, I think I hate him. What do I do?