Exploitative narc parents ruined my education, social life, and sense of self
Has anyone else dealt with a tremendous amount of trauma related to college because of narc parents?
I'm currently in a hard place right now as a college junior, because I'm being forced to finish a degree in a place that has taken my soul.
In high school, I was interested in specific schools out of state, but because of narc parents, they forced me to stick with their choices. I was a decent student, with a passion for learning, but because of childhood trauma, I was left to perform smartness for much of high school to avoid parental abuse. This led to a lot of all-nighters, cheating, and parent-mandated tutoring in AP classes that succumbed to a 3.4 gpa.
My senior year, my dad took over my entire college admissions process, writing generic entries, building my resume, all around a major I could give less than two shits about. When I asked to apply for the school I want (because of finances), I was yelled at and discouraged/intimidated from doing. I told myself I would kill myself by 20 so it wouldn't matter. I ended up getting into a year-long study abroad program with a school he chose, which was one of only two choices, the other being living near my parents. So I chose the former.
I had a fun time despite CPTSD hitting, but because of me being in a foreign country, I had to fully rely financially on him, which constantly left me on edge and affected my diet and health in ways I didn't realize. 3/4 through the year, my father told me he could no longer afford the school I got into, and I was guilt tripped into applying in state for "lack of finances" despite his very high income (upper middle class). I ended up doing so, assuring myself the suffering of being at a school I didn't like would be worth my STEM degree. I was wrong.
3 years later, so much has changed. I've experienced trauma from jealous/invalidating/misaligned friendships, wasting two and a half years to switch from the major my dad applied with in high school, and worst of all, sitting in my room crying daily from CPTSD/grief about my college experience because I never got to be socially integrated. After my year abroad I wanted a social life desperately and it took until recently to realize that giving the school time like everyone told me to was never going to fix how misaligned I felt with the school, the students, and the college town.
I was wondering if anyone else had a similar experience with their narc parents. Most of my current trauma stems from my parents taking away an important opportunity for my social life in adolescence and personal autonomy. I can't stop comparing my experience to that of my high school peers, seeing how everyone chose their environments, continued learning, and made friends/found belonging doing so.
The biggest direct consequence by far was not having a social life at a large state school due to being a transfer student that never lived in the dorms and having a complicated major situation. Not having friends alone and constantly having FOMO from hearing people partying and going out with people they knew from the dorms resulted in my spending at least 50% of my nights crying or thinking about being socially isolated and not having a support system. Before you say anything, yes I tried to put myself out there, I'm a pretty girl that people notice a lot, and I'm easy going when I'm comfortable. But by the time I tried to join the groups that I did, I was too late socially or too misaligned.
The chronic stress has led to chronic sleep deprivation, weight gain, PCOS, loss of self esteem, body dysmorphia, personality changes, dysthymia, lack of sexual enjoyment, weakened immune system, oxytocin deficiency, persistent social anxiety, and other health and mental issues. I also feel like I lost my last few young years of intense novelty and discovery. Instead, I was pushing my own boundaries trying to socialize, being chronically blamed and misunderstood, wishing I was living life with the ease everyone else in college has while internalizing all my pain and loneliness trying to "solve" my unhappiness.
I know if I had different parents my current personality and life path would look completely different and I would have achieved so much more.