Want this to get off of my chest.
I have been working as a HD Nurse in a Hemodialysis Center for a month now. Loving the experience although there were ups and downs din. Pero patuloy parin na lumalaban no matter what the circumstances most especially naka lock-in contract kami dito.
I have learned a lot lalo na't sa mga routines. I have created my own sequence para mas madali ko siyang ma-alala with the help of my workmates and preceptor especially sa initiation and reinfusion. Including na din sa pag prepare ng mga gamit for patients.
Despite of the learnings din, I have also committed mistakes within that month. It makes me anxious but at the same time, tine-take note ko yung mga maling nagawa ko, written and in mind kahit alam kong na-iirita na sakin yung preceptor ko due to my shortcomings, most especially sa charting since it is a legal document. May mga times na may nakakalimutan akong isulat sa chart or namimisunderstood ko yung order ng doctor tapos iba yung pagka basa ko.
Just recently, parang nagkaroon ng tension between me and my preceptor dahil sa mga maling nasusulat or nakakalimutan isulat sa chart because nafefeel kong nagmamadali siyang umuwi para maka-early out. And yung treatment nya sakin parang hindi na okay siguro kasi it reflected her teachings as a preceptor. Baka din pinagsabihan sya ng ibang nurses or nahiya sya kasi nga sya ung humahawak sakin, baka siguro di nya ako tinuturuan kaya siguro ganyan yung pakikitungo niya sa akin. Worst is, ping uusapan pa ako or binaback stab pa ako ng mga co-workers ko for it.
Me naman, as a co-worker. Tahimik lang minsan kung binibiro or inaasar ako. Nag smile smile lang ako lalo na't introvert ako. Medjo nahihiya at na-iilang pa ako sa co-workers ko dahil di ko pa sila masyadong nakikilala sa work but I try to create conversations din with them especially sa preceptor ko pero parang hindi sya masyadong interesado sa akin. I sometimes overthink if ako ba ang problem and kagabi lang while I was charting and while she was checking my charts na sinulat ko, nakita nyang mali yung nasulat ko sa ginamitan na needle sa patient or may mga nakakaligtaan. Sinabihan nya akong "tama nga sila, para kang doctor na gumagawa ng sarili mong decision, nababash ka tuloy" and I jokingly said na "sige, mag resign nalang ako chariz" tapos she replied "Sige bukas agad". I understand the stress that we both are dealing. Siguro we both have unsaid words to each other especially na hindi nya pa ako kilala and me to her din. I also understood na my joke were somehow out of line due to her negative reaction. Now, I am trying to reach out to her kasi gusto ko sanang ma-ease yung tension between me and her because we will be working together for 2 years pa.
Moreover, since my preceptor had a 12 hour shift parang gusto ko lang naman syang tulungan sa chart dahil alam kong pagod sya. Since 3 lang naman yung patients, kaya kinuha ko nalang and ako nalang magchart para maka rest sya pero parang she took it negatively or nagjojoke siya about it and feel kong may halong laman.
I have my flaws din. There are things na I accidentally say things or do that I don't literally mean. But I am aware and I am accountable for the actions that I did. I wanted to apologize to her sa chat or di kaya sa personal. Ngayon, ramdam ko na yung anxiety na pagpapasok ako sa work, they won't interact na with me because of it. Baka ayawan na din ako ng preceptor ko. Pero yung nasa mindset ko ngayon, I will never do it again nalang. Learn nalang from my mistakes, always double check nalang, always ask, and move on. May mga inconsistency din ako and I feel like I am a burden to them. No matter how much I wanted to divert my thoughts, naiisip at naiisip ko rin.
As of now, di parin ako kinakausap ng preceptor ko. Off kami ngayon sat and sunday. Surely, pinag uusapan na ako ngayon of what happened kagabi. Nakakahiya talaga and nakaka anxiety.
Kayo, did you encounter the same experience din and what are your thoughts and advices that you could genuinely give po?