u/Electronic-Let7940

I say this as I feel like earning money to give to other people is all I feel like I'm doing right now. I (40m) am renting a 2-bed house on my own, so obviously the bills are heavy. I have a nearly 17 year old boy who stays with me every other weekend, and a little boy who turned 2 yesterday, but that I've not seen now for 11 weeks because his mother has decided I can't until I take her to court. So far the fight to see him has cost me over £500, and I don't feel any closer yet. All I do is work, and sleep. I do overtime when I can to help build my income, but I feel I can rarely spend money on myself. £200 for my older child's maintenance, £350 for the younger (different mothers, I should've made that clear earlier!). My youngest's mother has made sure I'm paying every penny possible, which included lying to the child maintenance team about how often I was spending time with my son, specifically overnight. I've told them it was a lie, but they don't care, so I'm also over £2k in arrears according to them because I didn't pay what they thought I should at the start. It's also coming direct from my wages now, which adds a 20% fee.

I'm exhausted all of the time, I like the idea of doing stuff, but as soon as I get home I'm often just too tired. When I do actually do something, I normally feel guilty for spending money on unnecessary or selfish things. This week alone I've had an expensive dental appointment, and had to buy a new car battery, so that's probably my free cash gone for the month, but I still need to get gifts for my eldest's birthday.

My massive worry is, when I eventually get to see my youngest again, where will I find the money, time, or energy to actually do stuff with him?? I'll have to cut back on overtime to be able to see him anyway, so my incomings will be even lower. I'm in a reasonably well paying job, but I still feel like I'm just scraping by. I want to be a fun, adventure seeking dad that he's excited to come and spend time with, but I just don't see how I can do it. It's even harder to deal with when his mother can seemingly afford to take him away almost every weekend, and plans regular trips abroad. I couldn't even imagine being able to do that.

383 men take their own lives every single month, which is about 75% of the total number. I'm not saying I'm feeling that way, but I can see where these pressures just adding on top of each other can lead to that.

I'm a 40yo male, living in England and I've not seen my nearly 2 year old in over 8 weeks now. I won't go into too much detail about the history but let's say it's been a very stressful couple of years to get to this point. I'm desperate to be part of his life and have always made that very clear to his mother, but I've only ever been allowed to see him if I'm doing what I'm told. I've rarely been able to have him 1on1 (maybe 3 times, mostly when she's been ill), as she's hardly ever allowed it, claiming she's worried I might run away with him. She's had no reason from me to think that way, but that's just how it's been. When I last saw them both we had yet another ridiculous argument and that was it. I was blocked on everything and all contact cut off. My passport also went missing on the same day she was last in my house, but apparently that was just a coincidence as she strongly denied taking it, despite admitting to going through my bedroom drawers, but anyway...

I took a couple of weeks to settle my head, and hope that contact would be reinstated, but it didn't. I started counselling to talk through a few of my issues, which has helped me focus a bit more, and then I decided that official channels and documents was the only way I can guarantee I'll regularly see my son again as this isn't the first time she's kept him from me (I didn't see him for 6 weeks over Christmas). Obviously this will cost me money despite having a legal right to see him that she's denying me, but let's not dwell on that. I applied for mediation, did my meeting and then got told they'll contact her, which they did, to which I received some quite colourful messages with a very explicit no and "I'll see you in court". She also told me to stop paying maintenance (I can't even if I wanted to as she's forced it to come directly out of my wages), and that they were moving away soon. It was hard not to retaliate, but silence back to her was my best option at this point. I waited the week required from the mediation people in case she changed her mind, and then applied for the form from them to allow me to proceed to court.

Filling out the court forms have been challenging and quite upsetting. I've explained what I think needs to be said, and tried to be as honest as possible into how I see things, including owning up to my own shortcomings in certain situations. I'm going to represent myself in court as it'll save me a fortune and I see no reason that I won't be allowed access to him. Actually submitting the forms is weighing me down so much right now. Currently, it's a story on my laptop, for my eyes only; but as soon as I press that button, it's out there to be scrutinised, and processed through the legal machine. I know she'll come at me all guns blazing, and it makes me feel physically sick thinking of the confrontation that lay ahead. I never wanted it to come to this, I just want to be his dada again and see that cheeky little smile. I was so heavily involved in his life and then suddenly nothing.

I'm not sure what I really want back from this, if you've read all the way through then thank you.