Boyfriend went 4 days without calling me during a trip and doesn’t see a problem with it. Am I expecting too much?
I'm[23 F] in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend[23 M]. We normally talk pretty regularly, usually at the end of the day. I'm generally the one who initiates calls, and I've brought up before that I sometimes feel like I put more effort into maintaining the connection. He apologizes when I bring things up, but I don't feel like the underlying pattern really changes.
My birthday was recently. He wished me, called me, and sent me gifts, which I appreciated. But that evening he went out with his flatmates. Since we're long distance, I had hoped we'd spend some time together on a video call or something, especially because it was my birthday. I told him it hurt me that he chose to go out that evening. He apologized and said he wouldn't go, but I told him I didn't want him to stay only because I'd complained. I wanted him to naturally want to spend some time with me. He went out anyway.
The very next day, he left for a 4-5 day Goa trip with his office friends.
Before he left, I decided I wasn't going to keep calling him during the trip. I wanted to give him space and let him enjoy himself. I thought that if he wanted to talk, he'd call me.
He didn't.
Day 1 passed. No call. Day 2, no call. Day 3, no call. Day 4, no call.
He did send me some photos and texts. At one point he asked how he looked in a photo. But he didn't really ask how I was doing or what was happening in my life, and there was no actual phone conversation.
Eventually I started calling because I really wanted to talk. There were several instances where he didn't answer, said he was busy, said he'd call later, etc. At one point he basically said he'd talk to me after the trip.
Eventually we had a proper conversation about it.
He told me that when he's on a trip, he doesn't want to be stuck on his phone. He wants to be present, enjoy the trip and spend time with his friends. He said he was genuinely busy and tired and didn't have time to call. He also said that four days without talking isn't really a big deal to him and that he still felt connected because he was texting and sending pictures.
I told him I wasn't asking him to spend hours talking to me. Even 10 minutes at the end of the day would have meant a lot to me. I also asked why he hadn't asked how I was doing.
He said something along the lines of, "If I'm on a trip, why would I keep asking what's happening in your life? I'm here to enjoy my life." He also said he hadn't really talked to his parents either, only updated them.
He repeatedly said that whenever we talk about these things, I only want to fight. At one point he said, "Okay, tell me what to do then." But that's exactly what frustrates me. I don't want to give my boyfriend instructions on how to care about me. I want him to naturally want to talk to me and maintain some connection.
Later, he said his friends were calling him because they had plans to drink beer. His phone was also almost dead. I had explicitly told him that I was really upset and needed to talk, but he still went back to his friends and didn't call me afterward.
I know I became anxious during all of this and called him repeatedly. I know that part wasn't healthy, and I don't want to become someone who constantly chases her boyfriend or complains about everything.
But I also feel like I'm reacting to something that has been bothering me for a long time. I've told him before that I feel unimportant and that I need more initiative and emotional connection. I don't want to keep explaining the same thing over and over.
What really bothers me is that he seems genuinely okay with going 4-5 days without wanting to speak to his girlfriend. I'm not asking him to abandon his friends or spend his entire trip on the phone. I just don't understand how someone in a long-distance relationship can voluntarily go several days without wanting even a short conversation.
Maybe we simply have very different needs. I need more emotional closeness and communication than he does. But I'm struggling with the fact that I seem to be the one constantly asking for it.
So am I being unreasonable here? Is expecting some intentional connection during a 4-5 day trip too much? Is this just a difference in communication needs, or does this sound like a deeper incompatibility?
**TL;DR:** I'm in an LDR and my boyfriend went on a 4-5 day Goa trip the day after my birthday. He had gone out with his flatmates on my birthday evening, which already hurt me. During the trip, he didn't call me for 4 days. He says he was busy, wanted to be present with his friends, and doesn't consider 4 days without a call a big deal. I feel that even 10 minutes of connection should be natural in a relationship, especially long distance. I've raised similar concerns before, but I feel like I'm always the one asking for more effort. I became anxious and called repeatedly, which I know wasn't ideal. Am I expecting too much, or are we simply incompatible in what we need from a relationship?