u/ElegantRaccoon830

That’s how I tell time now….😔

I tried for the second time to go grocery shopping as I’ve exhausted the food supply in the house. The first time I tried this past week, I instinctively reached for something I would always buy that my husband would have wanted and started to cry like a little girl, left my cart and rushed to my car. I was hoping to get through it today without crying. I didn’t. I self checked out and cried all the way home, once again coming home to an empty house. I dread being here. The grocery store was bad enough but driving home and not having anyone to come home to is brutal. I live in a very rural community. We have a post office and a Dollar General. That’s it. So no, there’s no restaurant delivery or grocery deliveries. The nearest town is 45 minutes away, so that’s not an option.

How have you, how do you, keep doing this day after day after day?

I caught myself thinking today how long and empty my life now feels. Not just the past 2 weeks. Not just today. But all of it. Every single day for the rest of my days…..

Our dear friends just announced they were becoming grandparents. My husband would have loved that. Life just keeps on going for everyone else while I’m stuck here feeling like I’m living someone else’s life…..and I don’t like this new life I’ve been handed at all.

Every day that passes is getting more difficult. I am angry, sad, broken and can’t complete simple ordinary tasks I’ve done a million times before. I think my brain is broken…

If you read my earlier post you know I jumped through the hoops for Social Security today only to be told I have another telephone appointment with them not until July 7th, although they have all my information and they have the death certificate. And from there they said it could be another 60 days until I see anything from them, so there’s that. Trying to stay busy organizing cupboards and going through plastic food storage containers to make sure I only keep the ones which have lids. Is this my life now, trying to find mundane tasks to keep busy so I don’t think about the heartache I feel?

I just got off the phone with SSA. They did my intake. They verified they already had his death certificate. My application appointment is July 7 and they stated it will be 60 days after that before I will receive funds, which will be in September. So I requested an in person appointment at our local SSA, hoping it would provide a faster turnaround . They told me our local agency, in a major city, doesn’t take in person appointments for this. I’m frustrated. Thanks for letting me vent.

My Dr put me on Effexor today. I’m not sure exactly how I feel about this but at this point till try it. This journey so far has left me unable to navigate life as a functional adult.

I am in double digit days now. I don’t even remember what I did 2 days ago. And the kitchen sink, it’s a double sink, is stopped up. I don’t know how to fix it. I tried plunging it but that’s not working because I can’t keep the stopper down on the other side. My husband took care of these things. I’m lost and broken…

If any of you are old enough to remember the movie ‘Beautiful Mind’ from 2001 based on the true story of prominent mathematician John Forbes Nash Jr, who had post it notes stuck everywhere just to keep track of reminders and tasks, that is the person I have become today. My husband would have laughed at me. But honestly, I find I can’t remember even that I’m supposed to do about the simplest things without help, even if it’s just post it notes on the bathroom mirror. I remain broken…

Today has been brutal. Absolutely brutal. I have no idea why. Anyone have any idea? Will tomorrow be better? Or will all my tomorrows be like this?

I still don’t know how to do this. We were together for 43 years. That’s a lot of shared moments both big and small. He made the ordinary extraordinary. I don’t want this future without him.

My husband passed away on May 3rd. Although I joined this sub there’s not always someone to talk to here.

No of this feels like it’s real anymore. I miss him more than words can say. I miss his face, his voice, his presence. The silence is deafening. I don’t know how to do this.

I just picked up his Death Certificate from the funeral home. It seems like every day has just gotten harder. He was my person, my purpose, my life. I am so broken….

I woke up this morning thinking I don’t feel like I can go through more days like the last 4 days anymore. I am so broken. I tried to keep busy with routine tasks. The tasks filled my time but not my heart.

I can’t even brush my teeth. I used mouthwash instead this morning. I can’t think. I lost my phone today and had to use his phone to call my phone to find it. His phone has my photo as his screensaver and my name as Sandylovelywife, which came up as I called my phone from his. I don’t know how to do this.

I just had to sign his death certificate. What a horrible thing to have to do. I am so broken….