How do I trust Allah again? I'm at the end of my rope.
I know that sounds bad. But please hear me out.
I think I've posted a couple times in here about how my parents are emotionally, verbally, and spiritually abusive, and weaponize Islam for their own means. My dad is the main culprit, and my mom is his enabler.
Our family has gone through a few really tough years. After I graduated college and moved back home, I've been unable to get a job or get into grad school so I've been trying to help out my family. My grandmother had dementia and was bedridden for her last two years of life so I helped take care of her. My dad recently got a stroke and was also bedridden so I helped take care of him too. At the time, I was studying for a major entrance exam so I lost out on a lot of study time, and ended up pretty much flunking the exam and losing my chance at acceptance into that school. I've been trying not to be bitter, especially when my dad and grandma have been awful people to the family. I've been trying to remind myself that Allah has a better plan for me.
I've been applying for jobs and schools for three years now but received only rejections. I've been helping my family out and we have good times sometimes, but I hate to admit that the bad times overshadow the good. My father has told me multiple times that I'm going to hell and that I should be locked up, simply for defending my mom when he berates her or even just disagreeing with him. I'm not a perfect Muslim, but I pray on time and try to read 2 pages of Quran every day; something he doesn't do. I've caught him skipping his prayers and watching porn multiple times. My brother also skips prayers too but my dad never tells him off. But if I get angry, if I fight back, or even if I ignore my father for my own sanity, my mom keeps telling me that Allah will punish me and send more hardships my way.
I feel like a failure, and that my life is going nowhere. The worst part is that I'm struggling to find comfort in my worship now too. I would listen to lectures about Prophet Musa and Yusuf and Yunus and all the times they struggled but God helped them. But it's hard for me to see Allah through a kind lens when my father constantly attacks me and I can't even defend myself if I don't want to invite punishment from God. I'm afraid to read Quran now because whenever Allah addresses the kafirs or hypocrites, I hear my mom's voice telling me that I'm in that group too.
TLDR: Struggling with education and career made even more difficult with parents who yell at me for everything I do then tell me Allah will punish me if I get angry or hate them in return.
Idk if anyone will read this, but all help is appreciated. I just had to let it all out.