This is a rant/vent and resource request.
I have been in public school k-6 and homeschooled after that. I have struggled with school my whole life. Every parent-teacher conference the teacher would point out the fact I struggled immensely with turning in work. I am currently enrolled in a homeschool much like public school but without the socialization. It’s the same amount of work, maybe more each day.
When I started with this new school, I made a routine. Get up at 5:30 a.m., drink ice water with lemon, do morning tasks, and then start schoolwork. I worked from 6:00 a.m. to 2-4:00 p.m. with few to no breaks for 2 months. Did I get all my work done on time? Yes. Did it feel worth it? No.
To no avail, my mental health crashed when winter break hit, and I became incredibly depressed and anxious. I didn’t have it in me to work anymore. After the break I barely did any work. I felt out of my body but trapped in my mind. When I told my mom the school was giving me too much work to do, and I was not able to keep up without overworking myself, she responded with
”Yeah, on the Facebook page of your homeschool, other families had been complaining about the same thing.” ….Then didn’t do anything to help me after that. I tried working with a different routine; however, everything I was learning felt like it wasn’t worth the sacrifice of my time, and I wasn’t feeling any better; I was actually getting worse.
I have told my mother over the years about how much I dislike the school system (Disclaimer: I do not entirely dislike the school system in my area). I hate how things are done and how I feel it isn’t proficient in teaching things I would need to know in my adult life. Each time she has agreed with almost every point I have made, but has nothing to do with finding a better education. She never really checks the work I do and is the type of person to say “skill issue” or “just get the work done and go outside” if I told her how hard school has actually been for me. She will most likely not even make an attempt to understand my thoughts and feelings. I don’t think we’ve ever had a deep conversation about anything in my personal/emotional life. She is not aware I have struggled with off and on depression for 6 years now. I will stress it again; she is not the type of person to have these kinds of conversations with. And besides, I speak to myself the way she’d speak to me.
As of now, I have been kicked out of 5 classes due to lack of work turned in on time. Yes, I regret not doing the work; however, I feel free.
Yes, I love learning, but I want to learn what I 100% need to know moving forward, and I want to learn at my own pace. I am my own person, not a group of thousands of kids. I want to learn most of the same things my school teaches, but cut out all the excess work they’ve been making me do.
I am looking into personal tutoring and self-education. I have two library cards and am looking to go more often. I will try to force my mom to go with me since I am not allowed outside the house alone or with a friend without parent supervision.
I have been watching YouTube videos about how to self-educate, basic social skills, and how to make money as a teen (like side hustles).
If my mom tries to make a comment like “What about the homeschool I was paying for you to go to?!” (Which I have told her many times it hasn’t worked out for me) I will offer to pay her back the money spent. Hence why I am looking into side hustles.
Extra information:
- I am an auditory and hands-on learner.
- I work best one on one.
- I have socialization. I play a sport and have play-dates 3 times a month on average.
- I do in fact read a lot.
- I have some sort of ADHD or something like that.
Is there any resource/advice any has to offer? It will be appreciated, thank you.
…And am I out of my damn mind?