In seventh grade, when I was 12 years old, I genuinely believe I was the cause of every single problem to occur at my elementary school. There were numerous instances, but I’ll give you some context to start, then, a few examples.
I went to the largest elementary school in my community. Which, can be very enjoyable, but my goodness, it was a breeding ground for drama. My grade had around 150 people, which doesn’t sound like very many. However, most other schools in the area had around 30-40 students, maybe 20. Sometimes less.
Bigger isn’t always better, I guess.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that my school was pretty large for anything else compared to.
Now, for a little bit of context on me. In sixth grade, I was bullied basically. I won’t go into too much detail in that, but it helps having it in the picture for the rest of the story.
Okay, okay, we’ll go onto the real story now.
Throughout the entire year, there was many bouts of drama. Basically just issues with everyone. Vapes, self-harm, eating issues, you name it—we had it.
I think my top two worst moments were these that follow:
- This is the event that took place first, so I’ll talk about it first. The whole incident took place around April of seventh grade.
I was in love with a girl. Like hardcore in love. I wanted to kiss her, date her, the whole seventh grade spiel. We can call her Emily. And we were very close friends. I had another very close friend, we’ll call her Hannah. Oh, and one more girl that we can call Riley.
So, I was hanging out with Hannah and Riley at this bubble tea shop near the school. We were just straight shit-talking Emily. Every bad word in the book you can think of, we said it.
Same thing with Hannah, everyday in class we would shit talk her. Especially with her ex-boyfriend. Call her ugly, fake, and nasty name. Say that we missed how nice she was in sixth grade and everything.
Of course, a few days later I was talking with Emily. She asked if I knew anything about anyone shit-talking her. And of course, I snitch on the people I was shit-talking with. So, now she knows about this.
Then, Emily tells Hannah about it. And now she knows all about it what I did.
And all the drama that spitballed from this incident traumatized every single person in my grade— including me. At the peak of an eating disorder, and I’d cut myself, and do all that unhealthy shit. And honestly, I fear the next incident is far worse.
- This is months later, around end of June. Right before summer break. I was super close with this girl, we can called her Amelia and another girl we can call her Julia. And one more we can Layla.
So, all four of us would hang out at recess. Yes, recess, this was elementary school. So, we were in the far field hanging around— which was kind of just a playground further from the school.
Layla started joking around, fooling around with Amelia’s clothes, just talking about how they were too short. She told her to cover up and pulled her tank top up. Naturally, as the naive 12 year old I was, I followed along. I said the same thing, and pulled her shorts down to cover her up. My dumbass self made them fall down completely. Completely off.
And in fear, I ran away.
In hindsight, this was a dumb thing to do. Oh my gosh, I was so stupid. Can you see where I’m going with that I was the literal reincarnation of the devil?
Anyway, I quickly realized that no one is talking to me. And summer break closely follows.
For months, I either had no contact with anyone or I’d have someone harass me over the internet. And honestly, I think I deserved it.
Then, school came back in and I really wanted my friends back. I befriended Julia pretty easily, but she was also fake, however, that is an entirely different situation. However, Layla and Amelia were pretty resilient to me befriending them again.
I made a basket for her as an apology, I wrote an entire apology letter which was double sided, and I even got Julia to help me with it. But, of course, she let it slip to Amelia and Layla, and even leaked the literal note to them.
So, when I gave her the basket, it didn’t have the same impact.
Obviously, I didn’t completely deserve to be forgiven. But as a freshly 13 year old, everyone around me told me that she’d forgive me. And I thought I could finally have my friends and happiness back.
So, when I texted Amelia to see what she thought.. and she didn’t forgive me at all. And honestly, she was pretty rude about it, I went home and cried for hours. I cried for so long I got a terrible headache from dehydration.
Then, a month later we were all friends again. And I was compl fine with it?? I don’t know, honestly, I think I got cooked up in the head from this.
I still carry all the guilt with me today. And just think about these two events, times countless more incidents, and you can imagine what that does to a person. I’m not sure if I can ever be forgiven for this.
Years later, I still feel terrible. I don’t know what was wrong with me.
Anyway, I’m sorry to vent about it on the internet. I hope everyone has a lovely day! If you have read this far, thank you so much.