DISCLAIMER: After high behavior events (sneaking out), I (twice) went through her phone for context—just before anyone comes after me about privacy lol
Ex and I split in 2012, our daughter is 15. The last year and a half has been a huge struggle with her, especially once she started high school this past September. Ex and I have joint custody, but over the last couple of years, she’s been staying there more and more, making excuses for why she’s not coming. The last few times she was here (once she started high school, I barely saw her), she snuck out (she’s snuck out at her dad’s before, too. She was SA’d one of the times she did). The second time we caught her, it was right after a birthday party I threw for her. Worked my ass off for it and she and her friends made fun of me most of the night (all but one friend). The first time she snuck out (November), I went through her phone and found a family group chat (her dad, stepmom, grandmother, and aunt who’s only 9 years older than her) and the sole purpose of that chat seems to be making fun of me and otherwise saying very mean things. Most recently, January 6, she snuck out again and when I went through her phone I found messages between her and her aunt saying unimaginably cruel things about me (both of them saying things) like “she didn’t lose 30lbs, McDonald’s lost 30lbs of Big Macs” (I lost 55lbs in 2025 due to stress) and “I just know she’s going to try to kill herself I just can’t prove it” to name just a couple heavy hitters. Her dad calls me stupid and crazy in the chat, says he hopes I’m miserable my entire useless life. After she snuck out and I saw those messages, I told her it’s obvious she doesn’t want to be here and I’m not going to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do and I honestly didn’t want her there at the moment and brought her back to her dads house (she was going to go back anyway—when she gets in trouble here and faces consequences, she goes back to her dads because there’s no consequences or boundaries there). I haven’t seen her since. We have plans to get together tomorrow and I’m extremely anxious about it based on the fact that I know how negatively I’m spoken about. Daughter and everyone else doesn’t know I know about the group chat. Daughter only knows I know about the convo with her aunt.
So I guess my main question is, does this count as alienation? How do I address this? I have never ONCE spoken badly about her dad (he was abusive btw, though that doesn’t really matter) which makes it feel even worse. I’m seeing her tomorrow but the injustice sensitivity is pretty significant. We’re in this situation because I enforced consequences. I’m all alone up here. It’s me against her dad’s entire family. Help.