Did I date a narcissist or just someone emotionally avoidant/inconsistent?
I’m struggling to process my breakup because the relationship left me constantly confused.
My ex would reassure me a lot about his “pure intentions” and say he wanted peace/stability, but his actions often didn’t match. There were mixed signals, avoidance during conflict, silent treatment, and later on, denial/minimizing about another girl that eventually turned out to be more than “just a coworker.”
During the relationship, I felt like I had to constantly adjust myself just to maintain peace. I became careful about what I said, how I reacted, who I played with, and even how I brought up concerns because conflict would either lead to withdrawal, silence, or defensiveness. I was also deeply interested in his hobbies while he's not that curious of mine. Over time, it became emotionally exhausting.
One thing that keeps bothering me is that he always framed himself as sincere and misunderstood. He also talked negatively about previous girls in ways that made him sound more like the victim of confusing situations rather than someone who contributed to the problems.
What makes this harder is that after our breakup, he would constantly post about regret, lessons, and learning from mistakes. Eventually, I initiated a reconnection because I genuinely believed he had reflected and changed.
But during the reconnection, I ended up experiencing the same confusion again. Reassurance mixed with inconsistency. Being told he wanted to take things slow because he was scared of hurting me again, while at the same time hiding things and denying my concerns until the truth eventually surfaced.
At this point I genuinely can’t tell if I dated someone narcissistic, avoidant, or just deeply inconsistent.
I don’t think he was some absolute villain. I think his emotions were probably real. But the repeated contradictions between his words and actions completely shattered my trust and left me questioning my own perception of reality.