My boyfriend and I (we’re both under 18) have been in a relationship for a little over a year, and I’m currently going through the hardest period of my life.
First, I want to explain how our relationship developed. When I met him, he was the most wonderful person imaginable. We started talking a bit more than half a year after we began communicating every day (I like things to develop gradually). We started dating in the spring, and as I said, we’ve been in contact every single day without a single break.
Before, he treated me amazingly—he gave me lots of compliments, cared about me, and really wanted to spend time with me. Of course, we had arguments sometimes, but we had a rule that everything should be resolved before going to sleep. Everything was great.
In the summer, he told me he was struggling a lot because he didn’t have enough friends, and a bit later he said he was dealing with insomnia, anger issues, and derealization. I have very little experience communicating with people, and I’ve never been in a situation where someone opened up to me like that, nor have I really opened up to others myself.
So I didn’t know how to support him. I tried to share my own similar experience, but he felt like I was shifting the focus onto myself (so don’t ever do that), and he was very hurt, even though I tried to explain my intentions. A similar situation happened again that same month, but that time I just stayed silent, apologized, and said I didn’t know how to support him. I know that was awful of me, and I still feel intense guilt about it.
Then the school year started, and his mental state got noticeably worse. Before, he was only seeing a psychologist, but then he went to a psychotherapist. He was diagnosed with depression, and soon after that he started taking medication.
When he told me about it, I tried to do better in terms of support. I asked a lot of questions, tried to understand his condition more deeply, and told him I believed things would get better.
He’s actually very hard to support. He explains his problems in a way where you can’t interrupt or say anything, and when he finishes, he just goes silent and expects you to deliver a full monologue of support.
That same autumn we had about two more conflicts, which I still feel extremely guilty about.
After New Year, things got even worse. If before he wanted to see me several times a week, now he only wanted to meet once.
In autumn, when he talked about his condition, I started to feel like he might have suicidal thoughts. At that point, we promised each other that we wouldn’t do anything to ourselves.
At the end of January, he asked me what I would think if he died. About a week and a half later, he told me an exact number of days. I still remember the number, but I’ll just say it was a little over a month. A couple of days later, he asked me not to cry if anything happened. I remember the date of each of those conversations. It’s terrifying.
Every time he said things like that, I would have a breakdown. Most of the time he didn’t hear it because we were talking on the phone.
Four days after I learned the date, we were at his place, and he said again how many days were left. I had a breakdown. I’ve had even worse ones that he didn’t see, but I could tell it scared him.
A little over an hour later, he promised me he wouldn’t do anything to himself. He swore. Multiple times. I believe him, but I still can’t fully trust that promise.
At that moment, I asked him how long he had been thinking about it, why that specific date, when in his life he last felt okay (it was the summer, when things between us were great), and what methods he had considered. He also said he had tried different medications, and none of them helped.
Since that day, my mental state has been terrible. I love him more than anything. I’ve never met someone so wonderful, someone who inspires me so much.
Since then, I’ve been having almost daily panic and anxiety attacks. I experience severe anxiety over anything related to him. I can’t lose him. Any word connected to this topic triggers me.
I started texting him more, even though we already talked every day. I wanted to see him more. I had panic attacks when he didn’t reply for a long time or when he was in a bad mood. I didn’t believe he was telling me the truth, and I was afraid he might do something and I wouldn’t even know.
He doesn’t really like discussing his problems with me, which is understandable. It feels like he sees me as some kind of enemy in that regard.
I was terrified waiting for that date. I stopped everything and cut off communication with others so I could give him more time and attention. I studied everything I could about depression and how to support someone.
What worried me was that he became colder toward me. One of the things I loved most about him before was that whenever I said something upset me, he would immediately fix it—literally the next day—and explain why it happened.
I talked to him about how distant he had become, and he just said he would change. But he didn’t, and things only got worse.
At the beginning of spring, we went on a trip abroad with friends, and everything was great there. But as soon as we came back, things got even worse.
That date was getting closer, and with each day my mental state deteriorated. But thankfully, nothing happened that day. I experience suicidal thoughts myself now, but I know I can’t act on them.
He became completely cold toward me. He doesn’t want to see me, hug me, go out, call, or text. If a conversation lasts longer than three minutes, he says he’s busy.
The problem is that he behaves like this only with me. In autumn, he reconciled with a friend he hadn’t spoken to for a year. They used to be very close, and now they’ve become close again.
With that friend, he wants to meet, hang out, have sleepovers. They have a lot in common. And while I’m happy for him, it hurts. That friend also introduced him to new people, and he started going out with them too.
At first, he said he didn’t want to see me because he was tired and felt bad, and I completely understood. But now I see that he wants to spend time with everyone except me.
A few days ago, I told him I wouldn’t invite him out anymore since he always refuses. I said we would go out when he invites me.
I’ve genuinely stopped believing that he loves me. Before, I believed it completely—you can’t even imagine how much he loved me. No one has ever loved me like that. But now I don’t believe it at all.
Of course, I’ve talked to him about all of this. He doesn’t explain or justify anything. He just says, “sorry, I will,” promising he’ll text, call, and so on. But he doesn’t do it.
I’m a very anxious person and constantly overthink scenarios. Now I think he’s fallen out of love with me but can’t break up for some reason and is waiting for me to do it. I asked him about that too, and he denies it.
This is awful. I worry about him a lot, but our communication has decreased so much that I know almost nothing about him anymore. He doesn’t share anything, not even everyday things.
After that trip, he stopped taking his medication and planned to find another psychotherapist, but postponed it until summer. I understand that his behavior is probably caused by this, but I can’t convince my mind of that.
He says he loves me, but all his actions say the opposite.
I feel guilty about everything. I feel like I’m not good enough for him—not pretty enough, not interesting enough. I don’t even remember the last time he gave me a compliment. I asked him for a reason, but he doesn’t give one. If I just knew the reason, it would be much easier.
We’re very different, and I constantly feel like I’m not good enough for him. Although outside of this, I don’t have self-esteem issues. I consider myself attractive, confident, and skilled in many areas—but unfortunately, those don’t align with his interests.
I really hope this post doesn’t end up being shared on YouTube or TikTok. I don’t want publicity. I just need advice.
I feel terrible without him. I miss him so much.
Update: I’m not planning to break up with him for now — he means too much to me, and I don’t want to lose him by my own decision. I would like to hear advice from people who have experience communicating with someone with depression, as well as tips on dealing with anxiety.
TL;DR:
My boyfriend (both under 18) has depression and had suicidal thoughts, which caused me severe anxiety and panic attacks. I tried to support him but don’t know how. Over time he became very cold and distant only toward me, while staying active with friends. He says he loves me but his actions don’t match. I feel guilty, not good enough, and afraid he’s falling out of love but won’t admit it.