I am heartbroken
I am struggling with so much and am not even sure where to begin. I will start from the beginning. I've never liked my MIL. As a therapist, I have always been keenly aware that something is really wrong with her. About a decade ago, my husbands half brother got married and had a child. The half brother has always been the golden child because his dad was "the only love of (her) life." Subsequently, no one has ever been good enough for him and therefore when he got married, she terrorized this poor woman....traveled 800 miles Several times to just show up at their home, spoke terribly about her to anyone who would listen, and the worst, she threatened to beat her ass and did this on a family text chain. After this behavior, my husband finally totally cut ties. He was always very non-committal with her anyways. Nonetheless, since he has cut ties, she shows up randomly at our house, stalks him on the phone, and has even gone to his fucking job...more than once.
Oh, and, I should mention....she lived in CA for decades....and one day just randomly showed up in our state, on the East coast...and said she was now living here....no advanced notice, nothing. She was just here....stating she wanted to be here because of my husband....who never really talked to her anyways....all of this happened after the golden child cut her off. She never even visited here to see if she liked it. She. Just. Moved. Here. Sight. Unseen.
This is where it gets complicated. I am a seasoned therapist. I believe she is a sociopath. I have watched her COUNTLESS times go from crocodile tears to everything is fine and dandy in literal SECONDS. Every interaction I have ever seen from her has been solely focused on herself and her own emotions. I am truly convinced that she feels nothing for anyone else and her emotional life is solely focused on herself. I have watched her masterfully manipulate so many times that it makes me feel ill.
She even has a man who has lived with her for a few decades, as a roommate, who practically bows down to her while she talks shit about him RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. She took off and left my husband, when he was 15 and really struggling behaviorally (wrong crowd, failing grades, etc), and moved clear across the country, just because she had, yet again, burned too many bridges. She never came back for him and has never apologized. This woman Incinerates relationships and moves...she has moved more than a handful of times, sometimes to other countries. Actually, she is now moving again to another country, "because I have nothing left in the US" (Something she said directly to my husband today.)
My husband is Autistic. This is something his mother does not believe. Nonetheless, he is absolutely autistic. This is not only my professional opinion but also other professionals we have seen. Specifically, he struggles with emotions, naming them, sometimes even feeling them. In other words, he tends to be extremely easily influenced because he will say so himself "I don't even know what I am feeling". So, I was very proud when he said enough is enough.
Given that he is so easily influenced, I have largely kept much of my opinions to myself.... I have always wanted him to be his own man and I am very careful about letting my therapist life into my personal life. However, I had been a little more vocal recently... She showed up at our house about a month ago and I watched her berate him from the window. I'd had enough and came to stand by his side. I could tell that he was in shut down mode and would say whatever he could to get her to leave so he agreed to give the relationship a shot again. I intervened and said "hey, don't you think it's only fair that you give him some time to think about this?" and a few other things such as "guilt tripping him isn't the way to get him back in your life." I feel compelled to say more, again, but I feel the same conundrum of not wanting to be too influential on him...He needs to make his own choices.
She came to our home today....twice. The first time, she dropped off a baby shirt of his with a boo hoo letter and just left. She called him after she left and he ignored her. She came over a second time, she banged on our door and he decided to talk to her. He's now decided to let her back into his life and has even set a date to go out with her. I am struggling so much because A) It HURTS to see someone you love so easily manipulated. B ) I find it unattractive that he can't stick up for himself and how easily influenced he is C ) All of this is so massively compounded and complicated by the fact that he is autistic...specifically, one of his traits is having alexithymia. So, I am upset, angry, turned off, but also confused because so much of this is impacted by him being on the spectrum so I don't exactly have a Right to be turned off.
I have literally no idea what I need by posting this other than maybe catharsis. I'm actually sitting in my room, alone, crying, as I write this. I love this man so much. He's particularly brilliant, gifted, funny, he has such a kind heart...to see anyone just bulldoze over that, to soothe their own ego, destroys me. It actually destroys me.