I'm tired.
I don't like to complain. I don't like to ask for help. I just want to deal with life, handle my responsibilities then retreat to some state of being where I can switch off all the negative. It used to be that I could.
I just can't find a state of rest anymore. My wife and son help by simply existing, but the exhaustion is just piling up regardless. I hate my job with all I have right now. I dread going back there every day. Even if I could quit, I'd just be doing the same thing for someone else. Just the thought of going in fills me with such anxiety that I don't sleep some days.
I do not believe for a second that any other career path would hire me. At 44 y/o, no one is hiring some worn out, mentally exhausted, unskilled dirtbag to do anything but manual labor which I am just no longer suited to. I'm only suited to working behind the scenes, away from people.
I don't think of myself as suicidal, but I have been fantasizing about dying just so this stops. Just so I can be at rest. My mentality of the loving husband and father is so weary that I just dream the day it all stops. I know some people want others to miss them when they go. I just want to not have to keep carrying this weight. It'll never stop til I'm gone though.
I don't really know what I expect from writing this. Maybe just putting it into words as a way of organizing my feelings. I realize I am nothing more than a tool to be used by others. Just like a cow awaiting the slaughter. Ready for this to stop.