u/Eman4139

Did i make the right call?? Need some perspective because I feel too close to this.

I’m 19, I just left home last night after a huge fight with my mom. Things got physical/intense in the sense that she shoved me, blocked the door when I tried to leave, threatened to call the cops to remove me, trashed my room to prove a point, and guilted me by bringing up pregnancy/miscarriage stuff during the argument. (so a regular tuesday right) but it felt different, when she said im useless and a failure and how she shouldve picked the father of my half sibings over me, it felt different this time. so i did my final errands, I left with my essentials and stayed with a friend because I didn’t feel like the situation was home anymore, i always felt lile that since i left high school almost a year ago.

Now I’m feeling awful. Part of me feels guilty because I know I was important in the house. I helped with laundry, errands, my younger sisters, and a lot of day to day stuff. My mom is a 37 yr single potentiallly pregnant mother with 4 daughters (i was the only guy in the family) so I know my leaving affects the house a lot. I also genuinely miss home and the comfort of being around my siblings and having a place that feels familiar. i promised id call her in the morning (its 9:42 am rn)

But at the same time, I’ve been feeling trapped for a long time. I want my own space, my own freedom, and a life where I can actually grow up without everything turning into a fight. I don’t want to permanently abandon my family, but I also don’t want to keep living in a situation that makes me feel like I’m not allowed to become my own person.

So I guess my question is: was leaving the right move, and how do I handle the guilt without going back just because I miss home? i live in san fransico but im im daly city right now, i know how expensive it is and i know it’ll probably get me to stop going to city college properly. im just worried dude.. im worried about my family. i was a really important helping hand and now that im gone it might ruin them and their housing (i used to take care of baby sis before class for a lil bit while ma went to work)

repost from throwaway cause i was talking to a WALL.. but uh yea;

is it genuinely me?

im tired. im js so so so tired of life. i graduated from highschool almost a year now (m19) and lifes been weird.. i have a healthy group dont get me wrong. but i just dont like myself. i think im a loser. i have no real passion or realistic ambition. the closest thing i have rn is me trying to be like luffy and the objectively and subjectively freest man in my life. so when september hit a couple months ago i decided ill dedicate the next 2 years to trying to be the best version of me (one piece reference) for my friends and only come back when its like a special occasion (birthdays or school recess). im often alone which makes me wanna do stuff that isnt just playing on the game 24/7 w the guys. my goals at the end of the timeskip were to 1. Get a job 2. ID 3. drivers license 4. credit card 5. get physically lean and try and not be as skinny anymore (140 lbs?) so pretty easy goals. right now im in ccsf (full time student barely) and i like it. its not too far from home and most of my friends and mutuals r there (i rarely see them but its always a nice suprise). i dont really have a personal plan after college, js transfer to a university and do something w my degree. im thinking fire science (even though my major is psychology)

this brings me to my home life. i have 4 sisters and a mom (im the only guy) (idk how to describe her but controlling is a good start). i have a roof over my head and sometimes dinner which i love and cherish because im greatful. and it sounds good in paper but its tiring. living w someone like her that only wants perfect and nothing else. she’ll always nitpick something wrong if we do everything right. it gets annoying but that should be the end of it. i thought if i spent less time w my friends life would be easier at home, not having her scream at me to get off the game and clean the house (idk why but it ALWAYS gets dirty again think of like the aftermath of a family gathering daily so i have to wash an alarming amount of dishes.

lets start w my first big issue. ma. she wont let me have a job even though i made my schedule specifically for a part time job to fit nicely (no school fri, sat, sun.). and whenever i do try and tell her “hey im getting a job and it wont affect school” we instantly get into an argument on how i dont need the money and if i really need the money i should move out. ive been kicked out the house a few times but never overnight. still kinda sucks because im usually left alone w my thoughts afterwards. ill also say it yes im 19 and i still get my ass beat. shes really controlling and idk if im making it sound like that. i usually have to cancel plans last minute w my friends after weeks of planning w her just because shes been moody. we bicker almost everyday and argue into screaming matches weekly

but since im in college i kinda need the money. i asked if instead of a job she can help me w financial aid and she ALSO says no.. which is also weird. but yea. i cant have a job nor could i get financial support. thankfully i got an opportunity that gives me commission money per month but its rarely above 50$ and the work is tedious. ive been selling stuff im not really using anymore for pockey change but it still isnt enough. i have a max 2 pants and 3 shirts that r comfortable for me to wear that ive been wearing since high school and i cant really ask when is laundry day (her choice and whenever we DO go shes all upset over it saying i have enough clothes). i want a job because with the money i can get new clothes and new shoes (my nike shoes r js BUSTED to the brim so my baggy pants help me hide them). the last thing i wanna do is ask for money from my mom sicne shes finally starting to work again after 5 ish years of not doing alot? im happy for her but i just know as soon as i ask im gonna have that against me. i cant lie abt my whereabouts either since she has my location 24/7

mentally? im kinda dead right now. just- existing. im always tired even when i hit a perfect 9 hours of sleep (which is awesome i have at least 7-8 hrs of sleep) i always feel defeated whenever i really think abt my situation. like do u guys get that feeling where ur heart breaks after something sad happens? thats usually what i feel whenever i think abt my life or whenever i look in the mirror. i just hate myself so much im genuinely a loser. like i know i cant kill myself solely because the people in my life (my friends) dont deserve that but the thought of genuinely blowing my shit clean off or the thought of being like that penguin and walking to the mountains. it gets really lonely in this timeskip. i deleted alot of my socials except yt just so i wont bore myself to death but even then i get bored of that. so i just exist in my head for a bit until school or something. im usually all happy and perky whenever im back w my friends. (i genuinely laugh and my auto smile comes in whenever i hear them). im not eating enough either due to not feleing hungry in the mornings or theres like genuinely nothing to eat that isnt just eggs (i hate eggs w everything in my body but soemtimes i js pick up my big boy pants and eat them, i do need to bulk so i look lean afterall)

socially speaking? haha yeah.. my friends still love me and understood my timeskip. at first they werent but i promised them they’ll get used to it (they did) i still come back and still text people that aren’t specifically in the group and still interact w them. just to check up on them or whenever i see something that reminds me of them. i have alot of impressive people in my life. they have cars and theyre happy w relationships or with the amount of money they’re making. and i feel behind. the biggest example of this is my friend. lets call him john. i met john a couple years ago snd we were pretty close, we worked in the same summer job and i let him couch surf w us when he left home and emancipated himself (he also had a bad life). we arent as close but for perspective we were lile geto and gojo, and we still are. just the messy parts of their dynamic now. he didnt like the timeskip at all and it hurt him the most. but now its weird. we’re friends but idk if hes doing it just because. he has done so much since ny timeskip thiugh, he got a good job and he recently got his own apartment. i was so happy for him. but i feel behind. i feel like geto. he got stronger and im just here being stagnant. he always tell me to just move out and i tell him i cant js leave like that. its too much to lose. we got into a big fighr when i mentally shut down and told him i gave up on dreaming and he gave me an ultimatum to get my shit together or hed have to cut me off because he doesnt wanna lose me too after everything ive done for him. i think our relationship now are like bickering brothers. we love eachother but u can feel the tension there. i think im scared to say this but. hes everything im not. hes luffy. whenever i say i wanna be like luffy or be king of the pirates my friends immediately shut it down and says john is gna be him. he has the same ambitions, he wants to be the most freest and successful person in his life. it hurts yeah but in a way he deserves it more than me. hes done more than ill ever do. and all i have is “potential” and i believe him because he got cut off by his entire group when they said he shouldnt hang out w me because im bad news and he chose me over his life long friends.

but yea back to my point he helped me apply to more jobs and i had this interview w sfo and i was excited. but i was worried abt mom. i told her sbt it and we got into a big fight again. adter that i js mentally shut down again. just wondering why am i here? life is so boring and i hate not doing anything interesting or important. for money ive been selling stuff i really dont wanna sell but i kinda need the money to feel like i have control of SOMETHING. theres the possibility that when i tell john abt me canceling the interview hes gns finally cut me off and lose hope in me. im not doing too good in school rn (i lost my journal w all my assignments i need to turn in at the end of the semester) and i somehow picked the worst classes on ratemyprofessor without knowing. so im failing at least 2 classes. so theres that. theres the goals, i got my id a few weeks ago (mom was hiding my mail from me for a long time and it was only until i complained to her thag its MY mail and MY id that she has so she gave it to me out of pity) and i just. dont feel anything. this is one of my goals. so why do i feel empty. khas also mentioned on call that day that he finally got started on the paperwork for his apartment and he echoed everything he was gna do as soon as he got the apartment (basically word to word EVERYTHING i said i was gna do, js so show u how similar we r) and i believed him. because hes genuinely gonna become something in life. i can promise u guys that. then theres my ex. oh my god i can do a whole other thing js talking abt her. but shes my biggest heartbreak. i found her recently on facebook and shes been indirectly popping up in my life and i kinda dont like seeing the woman who genuinely broke my heart again in my life. so i blocked her today. js so i can get it out my sight. i js feel dead dude. im overwhelmed in school and emtpy in my life. i dont have anything going for me. no response to “what do u do that makes u happy” that could lead me a carrer path. only reason i wanna be a firefighter is i can help people and maybe die a hero and show to the world rhat i existed at some pooint. im detached from alot of things now and i have an alarming amount of “nothing matters” times. physically im turning skinnier and im lifting less weight which is making me ashamed of myself. idk how but i got back into doom scrolling and i have no motivation to do anything. i just think i genuinely fell off and maybe it isnt my era to thrive. im definitely behind in life compared to where i wanna be and to my friends. i just hate myself. so much. ill never be as happy for free as luffy. ill never be as awesome as john and she’ll never come back. so w all of this plus mom on my back saying how im just a useless bum and school genuinely pulling me by the pubes i js hate everything. i hate waiting for things to happen. my whole life recently is just me waiting for something. so im js in this middle stage of waiting.

to top it off im still thinking abt the same girl on facebook (who i dated sophomore year). i want her. no one else. i keep blocking and unblocking her on socials bc i js wanna see her. im tempted to text her. just so i can get the rejection over w and i can finally be free. it eats me. ik we womt get back together. i know it wont work out. i just want her back in my life. not the idea i have in my head. not the pillar i put her on. but HER as a individual human with their own issues and life.

is it me? am i just bitching for no reason? are these all obvious things that could be answered easily?

i just dont wanna end up like the stories i see here. or live without being fully aware. ill answer any questions this has js been eating me for so so long and i was contemplating on whether or not i even talk abt this

might delete this on monday. it is my main n all… hopefully none of my friends r redditors😓

tried messing with it, still wont work, removed the sim card. any tips? help would be very appreciated

i have a laptop on me, dont know if thatll do anything to make this easier