I thought we were good. I thought he was staying clean. But I caught him talking to someone. He deleted the messages before I could see more than what I had and he admitted that he started using seeking sites again.
What made it worse is I’m pregnant with our first child. I thought we were good. I thought he was clean, I trusted him in this next step because he was doing the therapy. We talked about wanting a family.
But just a few months into being pregnant, I happened to glance at his unlocked phone, seeing the texts but he noticed I saw and immediately closed his phone. He deleted the evidence so I only have his side. He swears he would never meet up with these women and that he treats it as porn.
I told him I hated him. That I was a fool. That I can’t believe I trusted him again enough to have his child. That he’s ruined this pregnancy for me. That I hate that I still want to be with him. He’s disgusting and pathetic.
I wanted a fight, but instead he said he deserved everything I said to him. So he just took it, and I hated him for that because it left me feeling shitty.
He said he was going to be honest and tell me when he slipped up. This happened in the middle of March. Lately I’ve been waking up in a panic in the middle of the night and feel the need to check his phone. I never found anything. But I started this Reddit account and saw a post mention checking deleted photos and computer files. I had never thought to check the computer (maybe I’m just stupid) nor did I ever check the deleted photos folder on his phone.
I found screenshots that don’t align with the timeline that we discussed when I caught him sexting someone. He said it had happened after a stressful event but the screenshots I found were days before that. Then he had said he deleted everything and stopped talking to the women but the next set of screenshots I found were dated after he was recently caught. In his deleted folder on his phone was a picture of his erection.
It’s not a picture I received from him and when I recovered the photo the time stamp is from a date and time I know I was asleep.
He doesn’t know that I know all this and I just found this all late Friday night and I’ve been wanting to talk to him but keep giving myself excuses not to. Saturday he wanted to spend time together and I thought about dropping the bomb then but didn’t want to stress him out more than he’s been (work related) and then he surprised me with a date and when we got back he wanted to be intimate and I wanted to pretend we were normal so I gave in.
I know I’m just delaying the inevitable and I’ll find reasons to keep pushing it off. I’m afraid of the answers I’ll get. I’m afraid of not believing him anymore. I’m afraid that I’m making a mistake in keeping the baby and I’m ashamed to feel that way.
I’m ashamed to feel so weak and powerless. I love him and hate him. I’m not sure I’m ready to end things with him.
I feel stuck and upset. I don’t know what I want to do. I know we need to talk but I don’t know if I should talk to him or if I should reach out to his therapist about this. He was supposed to tell me if he slipped up or felt tempted to slip up but he never did tell me. And those last screenshots and the erection pic happened days after he knew how this wrecked me. That time I didn’t hold space for his feelings I just yelled at him my feelings and thoughts and let him know I was prepared to leave him right then and there if I didn’t get answers.
I thought he was going to honor his promise this time…. He’s putting in the work but he still did it.
I understand recovery takes time but I worry about how much time it’s really going to take and if it’s actually possible for him to be free of this addiction. Because as far as I can see his porn addiction has progressed to messaging real people about meetups and has only one next step in when I consider what the next escalation is …
TLDR: I’m pregnant and found that some timelines aren’t match up to what my partner admitted to. I don’t know what to do with all the hurt I feel and I’m not sure I’m ready to leave. I want to talk to him about what I’ve found but also keep mange causes why I can’t talk to him yet.