Combating Rejection Sensitivity
Hello! Asking for some advice here from anyone who has it.
For some background, my best friend throughout the entirety of public school (met in kindergarten, cut contact after senior year) was deeply abusive to me starting around 6th grade, when she began developing and showing symptoms of BPD. I'm a transgender man and didn't begin transitioning until the last few years of high school, and we live in a pretty rural, conservative area, so we never really "dated"- but there was a lot of unresolved romantic tension and our relationship essentially operated as a romantic one anyways, so the effect of this abuse has been primarily on my romantic relationships rather than friendships. I'm in my junior year of college, and it's been 3 years since I last spoke to her, but the length of our relationship and the fact that it was the only close relationship of that kind I'd ever had has left me with some pretty major attachment and security issues. Until about a year ago, I thought I was aromantic, but after cutting this person off and processing the damage she's done, I realized it was largely me misinterpreting my avoidant tendencies, and have dropped the label.
I've been with my current boyfriend since November 2025 (after knowing him for several years beforehand) and he is truly the best partner I could ask for, extremely communicative and understanding- but alongside how great it is having a partner that truly has my best interest in mind and wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me, it's made me realize there's a lot of stuff I need to work on personally. My experience with my last partner has lead me to now instinctively overanalyze every facial expression, every shortened response, every shift in body language my partner displays, which prompts spirals where I agonize over every possibly offensive thing I could have said or done to them- but at the same time, I'm also very aware that it's irrational, and that, from experience, having your partner constantly verbalize those insecurities (even in a way that doesn't directly place blame) can be just as exhausting on the receiving end. So, I'm always ending up in a weird spot where I want tell him why I'm acting off without making it feel like it's something he caused or that he has to deal with.
As an example: we're long distance for most of the year and only see each other in person every couple of months, so most of our time spent together is on facetime or phone call, just doing our separate things and enjoying each other's company. Sometimes, when he's particularly wrapped up in an activity, he might not immediately respond to something I say or just be noticeably distracted in his responses, which is completely normal and understandable- except, for most of my adolescence, being met with silence or short answers by my partner was almost a guaranteed sign that I had done something wrong and she intended to punish me for it. I can logically reassure myself that isn't what's happening, and I know that if something was wrong he would tell me directly, but I can never stop that initial flood of emotions once it's triggered. I usually just end up riding it out in silence and doing my best to respond like nothing's wrong in the meantime.
My biggest fear is accidentally treating my partner unfairly or causing him unnecessary guilt in moments like these, which I think becomes a bigger likelihood the more time we spend together in person- over the phone, it's easy enough for me to mute or just stay quiet until it fades, but if he can see me, I know he's perceptive enough to notice and care about my change in demeanor. For most issues in our relationship I feel entirely comfortable going to him and talking about it, and I know that simply verbalizing the issue can be a big help in itself- but I don't know how to go about addressing this particular issue or explaining my change in mood to him without putting pressure on him to change his behavior or making him feel guilty for the unintended impact it's had on me.
I've been dealing with pretty severe rejection sensitivity my whole life, and I'm even more concerned about this in situations where my reaction could seriously impact his trust and comfort with me. This hasn't come up often thus far because we're pretty compatible in terms of libido and sexual interests, but I have that similar automatic emotional response anytime I propose an idea he's not into or I'm turned down for intimacy in general. I'm terrified of making him feel hesitant to say no to me or express boundaries, especially during scenes/types of play that NEED clear communication and negotiated consent, but being rejected for that kind of thing always makes me feel disgusting and unattractive in a way that's hard for me to cope with rationally in the moment. I'm already worried about him changing the way he acts around me for little stuff like I mentioned before, but it's even more scary to think about it in situations where appealing to my emotions could compromise his safety.
My main goal is to do what I can to reduce/control that initial flood of emotions- it seems like it isn't a situation where logically talking myself through it makes much of a difference, so if anyone has any advice or has experienced anything similar, it'd help me out a lot to hear it. I know I also need to talk to him about this at some point, and I plan to, I'd just prefer to do so once I've learned to be a little less emotionally volitile in these situations and can communicate the issue to him more effectively.