I'm lost
Please help me understand everything
I've never posted on Reddit before so I hope this gets posted correctly.
I'm 19 and male she's also 19 but female
Last year my mutual friend I'll call him V put me on with this girl I knew from highschool ill call her E. me and E had never talked during highschool i just saw her around didn't think much of her when in highschool as I had a girlfriend all of highschool. E lives up the road from me which is all I knew about her cus we'd catch the same bus home.
V is friends with one of E's friends I'll call her L. So V, L and E made this group chat with a few other people which was dedicated to getting me and E to meet up. Idk how long they had this group chat for but it was a while 1-3 months. V asked me to go to the gym with him but after training he said E and L where also there and asked if I knew and remembered them from highschool which I did but said I don't know them well though and so I then met E. Then I got invited by E,V and L to join a Minecraft server which I joined and then played Minecraft with E, and V for a while and it was fun I got to know E better and over a week of talking to E I started to feel that she had feelings for me and I talked my friend V into telling me insider information cus It was obviously to me E liked me and she showed me screen shots from the group chat they had of E saying how she loves me and such so then 2 weeks after meeting E, me and E started dating and the day we started dating we made out (I'm her first kiss) she was hesitant at first to kiss me she actually pulled away when I leaned in to kiss her but then later that night she initiated the kiss while sitting on my lap.
2 weeks later she said she doesn't think things are going to workout and I was thinking the same thing communication was inconsistent and bad we went on one date and It was bad I was really sick and the place we planned to go was closed it was just awful Icl. So we broke up
A few weeks after the breakup I started talking to other women all didn't work out and I regret it allot as I'm not the type of person to talk to multiple women after a breakup but I did feel a void without her
4 months later in November she reached out to me asking if I had watched kamesame kiss. And around that time I had started to miss her and started realising she is the type of person I want to be with. So me and her started talking again and I fell hard like really hard inlove with her every day became a day dedicated to her I'd wake up check my phone to see if she messaged me. Id message her as much as possible and try see her as frequently as I could without it being obvious that I had feelings for her.
1 month later my feelings caught up to me I couldn't deal with them and keeping them to myself so I called her and told her I like her and she said she didn't feel the same but wanted to be friends I said we couldn't be friends which she took badly apparently. L told me she was upset as no one's ever cut her off before.
I asked to see her a few days later for closure since during the month of me and her just talking and being friends there was things here and there that made me feel she wanted more and I was also hoping maybe things will be different if we met up. So we met up and she told me she's scared of relationships, intimacy and isn't good with confrontation and communicating her feelings but then she said she did like making out with me and such idk just making things more confusing.
6 ish weeks later I reached out on her birthday to say happy birthday on January 8th this year idk I missed her allot and I had reverted back to being a anxiously attached partner like I used to be before her in my previous relationships. We talked for a week maybe a bit longer like 2 weeks or something then I told her I still have feelings for her and she cut me off and blocked me on Instagram.
3-4 months later my feelings ate away at me I hadn't been able to move on and L told me she could be moving far away and the idea came in my head to send her a letter so for a week or two I started drafting up what to say and then I sent the letter on the 4th or the 5th of April and I sent the letter as a way to reach out tell her I love her and still want something with her but I also sent it as a way for closure like if i didn't hear back from her that'd be the answer that me and her really are done and are going our seperate ways and after sending the letter I felt at peace I started to accept Everything It felt like a weight had been lifted but that only lasted 4 days
She unblocked me on Instagram and messaged me on not just my main Instagram account but my gym Instagram account and then my tik tok account saying "I got your letter", "hey are you awake" (it was midnight when she reached out) and I replied when I got home from the gym at 2am (I go gym late and get home late) and she said she was doing her makeup and in my head I was like doing your makeup at 2am what do you mean so I asked if me and her where meeting up and she said yes so we met up at 2:30am and we where together until 5-6am at a park down the road from our places we cuddled up on this swing and talked about everything she told me our mutual friend L doesn't want us to be together atall hense why L told me that E didn't care about me never mentioned me doesn't even think about me etc but E said that that she asked about me allot nearly every time they hung out in person.
I walked her home holding her hand and she said she's worried that she won't be able to give me what I want from a relationship like reassurance and such and when I got to her place she said we can talk more about us and our relationship when we see each other next.
We didn't talk much over the next few days I had been busy with school work friends and gym and she didnt have anything to say. We only sent reels to eachother I asked to see her 2 times but both times she didn't want to. 4 days of this later she told me she doesn't think we should persue anyhting and that she said it feels bad since she reached out and that she did enjoy talking
I kinda freaked out I asked to see her that night (it was 3am at this point) and then asked to call her (she hates phone calls) next day I woke up and asked if we can talk and then she blocked me on Instagram and tik tok. A few days after she blocked me I messaged her on her number and got ghosted and a week after I messaged her number I messaged her friend not our mutual friend L or V but her actual best friend I'll call her S for help on understanding what happened and I got ghosted and I never heard back from anyone. Our mutual friend L got mad at me for reaching out to E and said it was harrassment to send the letter and text her on her number after blocking me (I sent her 1 long message on her number)
It's been a month since she left now and it's been 2 weeks since L blocked me and S ghosted me. I'm totally lost hurt and confused I want closure but more than that I want to be with E. Explaining things to people make E out to be some horrible person but she's not shes been hurt in the past from what I know and her parents are going through a divorce. I care about her allot and things where great the last time I saw her and the month me and her where just friends was great we have a good connection and are good people and from what she told me when I saw her it seems she does want a relationship and craves it but is pushing me away idk if she's a fearful avoidant or dismissive shit idk if she's an avoidant atall. I don't want to be told to move on and find someone else I've heard it enough and I know I will eventually with time but I don't want that rn what I want is advice I want help to understand her how and when should I reach out if ever atall and why.
Also she told L that me and her where talking again the day before E cut things off with me and the way L is she's a very overwhelming person so maybe L overwhelmed E into thinking things between me and E won't workout or something. L is the type of person who thinks they know everything and knows what's best and also L had a crush on me and E at point in time. E also told me that she's thinking about cutting of L cus of how overwhelming L can be at times and how L thinks she knows everything about E and how E feels. E said L acts as if she can't make her own decisions either n stuff idk L is a very weird and bad person to be honest.
Someone help me or talk to me as I have no one to talk to about any of this because all my friends hate E and her friends so they all just say move on from E n such And V isn't friends with E anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mind idk if E has blocked my number or not yet but I'm thinking about calling her sometime within the next couple days weeks maybe months but idk what I'd say if she picks up. Idk how E feels or what she wants I only want her to be happy and I only want what's best for her but I know based off everything she does want a relationship or it seems she wants one with me idk. Someone just talk to me or help me