I tried choking myself moments ago i don’t know why am I writing this had my bedsheet around my neck in my hostel room. Tied a knot around my neck.
I know things will get better but I don’t know why I was doing it thinking who cares if if things got better I am done gave a lot of thoughts with the knot still on my neck whether I was faking it to myself that I was a failure and the situation is serious or it was just pure depression. At times I think this word depression is also a fantasy which I make up to escape. I feel like I am a fucking coward to even face a problem there is no benefit of me living this life. I also tried pulling the other end for seconds to get a sense how would it feel to hang myself.
The funny part is I didn’t stopped because I am clear or I tried stopping myself from hanging but thinking that I had overcome the fear of trying it.
I passed the first step and will continue it some other time.
Then found it so serious that tried to document it writing it in a book but thought is someone else read it I don’t want their sympathy because the people around will use it as a weapon against me they don’t have a single part of emotion in them even if they have my conscious rejects them. Then thought of typing it on my laptop but thought the future me would delete it in a blink and this thing would disappear like anything else. Then thought of reddit and here I am just trying to document what is wrong with me.
Please don’t suggest to keep distance from those people around you.
I was a most talkative person in my first year due to constant bullying by the people around me whom I thought to be friends I became a loner and the same people tell me why don’t you get out of your room much.
Rant: So let’s cover this also. So I belong from a middle class family rased up in a small town where I was loved by everyone was a sharp minded boy who used to top in every class. Did hardwork in a local coaching institution and got admission in one of the top institutions of my country. Came here with lots of hope but the first thing I got was a friend group who were so different from me that they use to mock me for talking to more and more people they used to call me asslicker in their language. I used to laugh as I thought they are just mocking me then they started calling me dark ugly i still ignored and laughed just to get into their circle ( see these people were from a different region and I thought that this kind of people are common here so I thought i had to adjust to what I got)
Next year came where hostel change was going on I had no one to be my roommate because those people had already been grouped into two and left me alone but I was so desperate to be with them as I thought I would be left alone in my college life then somehow they only contacted me and told me that one room is free because one person was not getting a roommate. I think this was the changing point this was the first nail to my coffin.
I used to go to their room they used to ask me to fuck off and told me you are not one of us because you do not have a room in our lane. Called me out of being a lower caste because I got in from reservation in obc category one among them was also the same but because he was one of them they wouldn’t say anything to him and if I tried to all of them grouped against me.
Then I got a girlfriend in a ldr the best part where I used to spend most of the tome with her but again these people started mocking me over that calling out this is your college life, they used to mock me that i was lucky no one would have chosen you you are so ugly I used to cry alone in my room it was the third year btw those incidents led to giving me thoughts about suicide it’s been one year i am constantly getting those periods where I think of ending my life I couldn’t ever be so strong to cut them off because when I tried they came to me talked with me and told we do this to everyone but i was not able to make them understand I am not everyone I can’t tolerate everything I continued laughing on myself told my gf about it but she asked me to ignore and helped me ignore them because of the rooms position I can’t avoid contact with them.
Then came college placements where god has tried testing my patience in all these years I was just a crybaby and believed in people around me about not being as intelligent as them having lower rank than them not being able to score marks in college more than them.
And in all that ruckus I forgot to do something for myself to develop a skill to add something in my resume to get ready for placements. Just procrastinating everything and sitting for placements just on pure luck and the result was as bad as I expected 15 days remaining in college and I am still not placed in any company got no skills and going to my home with nothing parents expect me doing upsc but I am not mentally fit for doing anything big like that and talking about mental health to a parent in India is not so easy. This difference as all of the people around got placed not a single on remaining I cut myself off from them and became a loner cut off from my girlfriend thinking she was just another escape.
Now everything I told other side of me tells me I am a coward and these are all excuses of me not being successful and escaping my reality those people also treated me with kindness at times but all I remember is this bad side because that kindness was not worth with all these things. Those harsh comments the toxic nature the selective bad treatment just for having a darker skin a skinny figure , short and being comparatively poor.
I couldn’t develop the courage to aim for big achievements to try competing with them to try learning something tough.
I am just a loser living my life with a billion thoughts and my procrastination watching reels all day not speaking a single word unless had contact with any of those people just for the sake that they leave me alone and don’t try to have reassurance that I am not mad at them. I want peace from them.
So that was the rant many more things are there but let’s see if I could be alive to document those.
So people who reached the end thank you and hope you enjoyed the story of my life. I didn’t planned but sorry for this long rant.