u/Embarrassed-Mud-8999

For some context: I am 16 years old and in my first year of high school. I got into the habit of talking about my problems at home-psychological and physical abuse. I even showed them my self-harm wounds. I didn't know it would backfire so badly. It all started when I told a friend about the sexual harassment (exhibitionism) I experienced from a stranger. She pressured me to go to the principal, and I told them everything. The homeroom teacher was there too. After they advised me and all that, they forcefully took me home. My mom found out, she was angry, I refused to talk, so she beat me, and she still doesn't believe me. That didn't stop me from talking about other things. For Easter, my mom left bruises on my arms, so I told my class, they told the homeroom teacher, and today I spoke with them. I had to lie to them - say that I partially lied, made things up, or exaggerated - and now they think I might be suicidal and depressed. They're offering to let me see a psychiatrist. I don't want to make my mom out to be a villain; she can be good most of the time. So they let me go, but I'm really worried they'll call my mother. I'm stressed out and I had an intense urge to disappear and kill myself because I can't take this anymore- I can't even cut a fucking vein properly. By the way, in my family, there are two levels of violence (according to my analysis): Category 1: For small things, the beatings are mild, minimal, quick, and don't change our relationship. Category 2: Rarer, serious, characterized by stronger violence, use of objects, we barely talk for a few days after, then comes a "conversation" where my mom tries to get things out of me, but I don't say anything – sometimes I even provoke her – and after that, things go back to normal. I hate this category especially. I'm afraid my class will also tell them about my self-harm. I know they care about me, but they're only making things worse. I just don't know. And I'm afraid my teacher will also tell my mom –because they "care about me"– and honestly, they really are making things worse, but I feel like it's all my fault – I shouldn't have said anything. They think I'm depressed or something – I'm not. I... Well, my mom comes back in a few hours – the uncertainty is killing me. I kind of wish I had maybe killed myself – but I just ended up with a superficial wound that stings a little. My sister took the scalpel to school, the knife is dull, and I don't feel like taking pills for an overdose. I really don't know what to do. She'll beat me if she finds out, she'll cry and tell me how I'm ruining her life – and she'll take my phone. She can be gentle, most of the time. I hang out with her, play games, she gives me advice. Simply put, I love my mother, and she loves me and my sisters.