I (34F) would like to preface this by admitting that I tend to be more objective or “cold” than others. I don’t mean women specifically, men can be just as emotionally attuned, but in general, I’m less driven by emotion. For context, my personality type is ISTJ, and I often take on a leadership role in situations because I struggle to tolerate inefficiency and poor decision-making.
I also think my upbringing played a role. I have what people might call “middle child syndrome.” My eldest 40F and youngest 30F sisters are not working and rely on allowances from my parents, whereas my second 36F sister and I both became professionals in high-stress environments.
Now, onto the issue: My SO (35M) has recently been forgetting appointments with clients or forgetting that they’ve been rescheduled. He works as a Sales Manager, so this is quite concerning. He’s also been forgetting social events until the day of or even the night before. This has been happening almost every week for about six months. Previously, he might forget something once every few months, but it’s become much more frequent. I am very sure it is not medically / health related because his checkups are clean.
One additional context: he recently lost his driving license, which I think may have affected him more than he lets on. I’ve noticed the forgetfulness increased after that. I’m concerned that he might be feeling discouraged, and I don’t want this to turn into a pattern where he leans into self-pity instead of addressing the issue, but I’m also not sure if my current approach is helping.
Most of the time, I do try to sympathise. I’ll say things like, “Oh dear, that’s unfortunate,” or “That’s such a waste of time, you must feel really bummed.” However, if it happens during my working hours, I tend to respond more practically due to time constraints. For example: “Maybe you could message your client to confirm next time,” or “Try checking your emails,” or “Put it in your calendar.”
I do want to be supportive, but I’ve noticed that when I lean into the sympathy approach, the conversation tends to drag on. It often ends with him buying himself something like a bottle of wine to cheer himself up. I don’t necessarily think retail therapy is a problem since we can afford it, but what concerns me is the pattern of self-pity and what feels like a lack of effort to improve these past few months.
I understand some people might question why I’m in a relationship if I struggle to sympathise in the way he might need. That’s exactly why I’m asking: how can I change?
If you’re wondering why I don’t naturally respond with more empathy, it’s simply because that’s not how I deal with my own mistakes. When I mess up, I ask myself: what can I change right now? Does complaining help? No. So I don’t dwell on it I focus on doing better every time.