My girlfriend (F23) and I (M24) have moved to a big city due to me going to university there. She moved with me to make our relationship work because she knew if she stays in our hometown, things wouldnt work out. I never asked her to but I was very thankful that she did. We lived here for two and a half years and over the last year, things got quite complicated. We had a lot of fights over small issues that turned into big fights in which we brought up other topics and couldnt concentrate on the one issue that caused the fight. I got all defensive and felt attacked when she approached me with a problem she had or when I made her feel bad or sad. I realize that I did not validate her feelings or comfort her but only tried to justify my behavior and explain why I was right. (Which I wasnt a lot of times). I got emotionally distant and build up a shield around my feelings without realizing it myself. I wasnt happy or sad anymore and to be honest I didnt even feel my love for her anymore. It got so bad that when she cried because of our fights or when she had a panic attack. I didnt feel much. I feel so guilty for that now.
A few weeks ago it got so bad that I decided it doesnt work out anymore. I moved out of the apartment into a shared apartment with other students and thought the distance could help us figure ourself out.
She tried to communicate with me a bit more but I was still just defensive and justified myself without validating her feelings.
Over the last months she apparently lost feelings for me. She texted me that she is okay with our breakup and that her process of getting over me started months ago.
Since I arrived in the shared apartment about a month ago, I broke down. I realized how I lost her due to my defensiveness and my emotional absence. I realized that I do love her and that I got all worked up and didnt even see that myself. She was right with a lot of things and she really tried a lot to reach me and to get through my shield but I wasnt able to let that happen. I feel so terrible and I dont know what to do.
From time to time we have brief communication via text messages and we even met up a few times. She is angry with me that I only see everything clearly now. She says Ive had so much time to realize things and that now its too late. But she agreed that we can meet up from time to time on a friendly basis and do neutral stuff together. She says she needs to build trust again because she cant trust my words which I understand. I want to show her how much she means to me and how much I realize that I fcked things up. I dont like the person I was in the last months and I never want to be that person again. For her sake and for my own.
Every day I think about her and about what I lost with her and our relationship. I feel so terrible in this shared apartment and beg to whoever is in control to turn back time and give me another chane. I would truly make it count.
I texted her about my feelings a few times because I am fraid she will drift too far away but I realize it doesnt help either of us. It makes me feel worse and it does push her away because I am desperate and that doesnt help me.
I want to be okay, to build on myself and to show her that I am changing and that I will change for the better.
What can I do to really work on myself, make myself less defensive, emotional unavailable and take accountability for my own emotions and what I did to hers?
How can I show her that I truly mean it and truly want to do everything to improve and give her what she deserves, without pushing too much and making her carry my emotional workload?