I’ve literally never posted on Reddit but being a casual reader of this sub the past few months has been really motivating. I smoked for the first time about 2 and half years ago and since then it’s just ramped up. My mom is very heavy user and has a stash large enough I discovered I could pretty much take what I wanted without her knowing. Very bad I know. I’ve been so ashamed about it especially since me and my mom have the best relationship ever. She’s still hasn’t found out but everyday I’m worried she will and it will ruin everything. I would smoke everyday before school my senior year and got super depressed. Like more depressed than I knew was possible. I chucked all of it up to the fact that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and school was ending. I took a gap year and did some traveling where I was mostly sober except smoking a few times with some of my coworkers. I came back home after 3 months and since the new year has started I’ve been high everyday all day. I have no job. Nothing to do all day. And I just keep opening my mom’s drawer.
I feel so shitty for stealing from her. I told my girlfriend I quit months ago after telling her how awful weed makes me feel now and I’ve been hiding my addiction from her and my friends ever since. I feel like she knows I haven’t quit. I feel like I try to quit everyday. I literally can’t go more than a day without it and it in my head it always just comes down to “it was gonna happen anyway” like I simply don’t have evidence for the fact that I can quit. I don’t know if I have the willpower especially since I have so much access. I’m going to college in the fall and I really want to beat this before. Not only that but I’m so tired of feeling like this. I hate feeling like I can’t think and I feel so dumb. This is the most support and time I’ll have in my life probably and I’m squandering it. I’m sad and anxious constantly. I want to get a job I want to work on my hobbies I want to just feel normal again but I don’t respect or love myself enough to do it. I’ve pushed away everyone who cares about me and leave people on delivered for hours cause I’m ashamed to even to talk to them. I have all these ambitions and the most support I could want and yet here I sit. It feels like I’m done with it but there’s a bug in my head that will never stop wanting it.
More than anything I’m just hoping getting this out will help. I know what I need to do to improve my life. I know the steps I need to take. It’s a matter of doing it now. This is day one and it’s already the most actual action I’ve taken to quit. These timelines help a lot too so I’ll update if things change. I’m hoping day 7 will feel like a breath of fresh air. Of course I’ll never know unless I try.