i hate this situation is the only thing that makes me feel anything
I can't stand no contact,
this thing has been going on for 3 years since I met him. He doesn't care if I'm alive or not and he never really cared beyond his empty promises.
the first time we stopped talking was because I couldn't stand his indifference as it was killing me every day. a year later, I had some stupid reasons to break no contact as I wanted to feel something radical because due to my depression I have anhedonia and only something so traumatic would upset me. he was very happy that I came back and we said we'd try again, I never believed him but I feel so weak towards of him that I let him do whatever he wanted. In the end, he obviously didn't keep his promises and I moved away again as I couldn't bear to see him leave slowly and painfully again. 7 months have now passed which were the worst of all in history for me as I was extremely sad, extremely dissociated, had anxiety attacks etc. One evening I called him and he picked up the phone straight away, we met, we didn't say anything substantial, the same the next day. His attitude is extremely indifferent and he told me clearly that he came because he had nothing better to do. I told him that it was the last time, but as soon as I got home I wanted more than anything to text him again and talk to him. I really want to have contact with him, but that goes hand in hand with all the pain he causes me. Im genuinely driving crazy I cant keep living like that but I literally have tried EVERYTHING