I hate telling people this or people finding out because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and I'm ugly and undesirable. Which I feel is not the case. I got my degree, just got my first job and it pays a decent salary. I think I'm pretty and have nice features. I'm not a supermodel but I know I'm not ugly. I'm eloquent and I think I've got a good head on my shoulders and good moral compass.
I think it's because I'm plus size and an introvert and poor. My body is curvy and I think a lot of guys would like it, but at the same time, I'm not stick thin and that's what guys my age go for mainly. I've never put myself out there, especially university. To do stuff and activities with people, you needed money. And I never had nice clothes and people always judge you on your clothes. I never spoke up in class and kind of just blended in with the crowd and fell by the wayside. I'd have friends, and be friendly with other people and that was about it. Literally just go to class and then go home. Weekends I never did anything except bury my face in a book. I don't drink or smoke or party. I'm just boring to most people. But I don't think I'm a boring person, that's the thing. And being poor was definitely a factor because going out and doing activities and going on dates and things require money and when you don't have that then you're left alone.
Maybe I just have a hard exterior and shell. I've been told I have resting b**** face before and I've tried to reign it in a bit but I don't think that's helped. But I am now a lot more smiley in public and when meeting people.
A huge part of me wants to love and be loved but another part of me is scared to. My dad promised to love my mother forever but he cheated on her throughout their whole marriage and treated her like trash. And I had to watch as a child as my whole world crumbled and learn what love isn't. I feel as though that experience jaded me forever and tainted relationships for me. It's so natural to want and desire a relationship (and I sure as hell do) but at the same time I'm so fucking scared of making the same mistakes my mother did. And even after my mother's and dad's relationship ended, the men that came after him were trash. I'm scared that the first man who'll come into my life and show me a spark of desire/love will take advantage of me because I've never had that and you know, love makes you stupid. Trust me, I've seen that with my mother so many times before. I'm scared I'll be taken advantage of and abused and tossed to the side because a man literally showed me crumbs.
And I've had men show interest in me but most of the time it'll be a weird man on the street, homeless person or a man old enough to be my dad. That's been about it. The crushes I've had have never wanted me back and I don't think anybody has ever had a crush on me in my life. It's tough being the woman nobody ever pursues. I'll be out in the wild and spot a semi decent good-looking guy but he won't pay me any attention. But then a cute girl walks past and it's all he sees. I wonder if I'll ever be that girl men pursue.
I think part of why I've never been in a relationship may be because of the way i present to people and because of my own fears and insecurities. But I think I'm ready now, this year I really want to put myself out there and receive love. And frankly, I'm tired of being alone and just want to love and be loved. And I won't just take anyone. I want a man who shares my Christian faith, lifestyle, goals, values and is around my age, but he shouldnt be exactly like me and have his own hobbies and interest. And I'm in such a prime position in my life to get such a man because I'm essentially working in my country's business hub. But at the same time, with juggling a full time job it's difficult to meet people. And also, I'm assuming it's much more dangerous for men to cross that line between professional and romantic interest so it's 100 times more difficult in the working world to find love.
Is it so hard to wish for the man of my dreams to knock on my door. I'm so freaking tired of being alone and perpetually single.