u/Embarrassed_Sale2427

Hi. I've never posted here before but i need your help. I'm a 17 y/o female who stupidly got baptised last summer. My mom's long disfellowshipped (because she gave me a blood transfusion to save my life when i was 9-10) and my dad's a remarried elder. I won't get into the background because it's a very long story.

Bassically, the jw community has done lots of grwat stuff for me. After reconnecting with my dad, his new wife and he helped me get out of depression. (Sweet, i know, but he's a not a great person. If you'll ask i'll give you the long list of wrong doings.) He made me realise going into medicine would do me worse. He paid for a 4 month course of accounting. And after finishing it, another jw member who is the sweetest person and an experienced accountant gave me a job as her helping accountant. My dad has also told me to get rid of my friends as they had a bad influence on me. My sister is also baptised.

My mom works abroad and i got a chance to visit her earlier this year. Almost a year before that she and i were fighting for days because my dad manipulated me into resenting her (i was very stupid, i know.) And now i guess he thought our relationship was thrown off. So he had a talk with to not get "closer" to my mother as if i didn't always love her more then anything in the world. So ever since then it's been bothering me. I had breakdowns over it. I do believe Jehova is god. But i cannot imagine leaving my mom.

So this is my situation. I don't love god or anyone as much as my mom. My dad, my luttle half sister, my older sister, all my friends, my two cousins form mom's side and my boss(and friend). Are jehovas witness who won't be abke to talk to me if i get disfellowshipped. My sister will also get disfellowshipped if it ever came down to that. I will choose my mom but it would create a lot of problems for me, so i decided to not do anything until elders start to demand i stop contacting my mom. But ever since i've realised i would always choose my mom i jsut can't put my heart into anything i'm supposed to do for god. People notice when your spirit dies. They've been asking if i'm alright and all. I feel like it's close. A talk with dad or elders.

There's another reason i am upset with god. Just to be clear, i do believe Jehova is god. I do believe he is all powerful. Here's where i have a problem. I was directly taught this that since he is all powerful and created everything, he gets to decide what's right and wrong. So i guess it clicked differently this time because i cannot stand this thought now. He gets to decide so he is morally perfect no matter what he does. And there's many things i don't agree with concerning morals. Like how i should have to choose between my parents. How being attracted to the same gender is somehow horrible and disgusting. Like how it was fair to kill the firstborn of every egyptian that didn't believe in him because Pharaoh wouldn't let his people go, stripped away children from their parents to prove he could. While taught there was a common asked question answered. "Why doesn't god just make bad things go away?" And basically if i roughly sum it up, God has a point to prove. I am shocked. The all loving God lets satan torture his beloved children just so he proves that Satan cannot win this war? To show other angel to not rebel against him? I am amazed how many things were done just to show he is great. And i should mention one of the things that made me believe in him was my fear of hell. I believed because i thkught an all loving god and hell couldn't coexist. It wasn't right. But now what do i know if he decides what's right like that.

I hope it's not too long,i really need someone to reply to this.

Where do you stand on this?

I can't be the only one that has thought this

I have to choose between two sides of my family. Please help.