I love my best friend, how do i handle it? (F25 M26)
Hello :-)
I am in a weird situation, but i guess everyone here is. I will explain it, it is a longer story. I (25F) met my now best friend (26M) 4 years ago when i was in a relationship. Over the years, we fell for each other and well both of us had to retain our feelings because i was unable to get out of my relationship. I know that is hella stupid and my fault, but i am very scared of rejecting people. But eventually, i got out of it. After that, my best friend and i had a wonderful time together, but i felt guilty to jump into a new relationship fast, so i told my best friend it might not work with us. And it was an on and off situation, because i struggled to go for what my heart wants and go against what everyone expected from me. I didn't want to be called a whore or anything like that. Now in december we had a deep talk about whether we would move for each other (he lives in another country). And i am super scared of new changes, so i said that i deeply love him, but i can't move. And he asked me then:"so will it never be us?" And i answered:"i guess if no one moves, no". And we settled that down. But i was thinking about that sentence and it haunts me now. I realized after a few days:"fuck, i am losing my opportunity to be with my love now". So i told him that i would move for him and we can work it out together. But after being turned down, he accepted that we'd stay friends, and got over the idea of us. I didn't realize that mental switch so i panicked, i begged him to give me a chance. And it turned into 3 months of very stressful decision-making. He was very hurt by my rejections and it came like a bomb that it would suddenly work out. I asked if he would try to pursue a relationship, and he didn't know. He loves me, but doesn't know whether he wants a relationship now. We had a final decision talk a few days ago, he said:"As of me right now, i don't see a relationship with you. I don't know if i will want it in the future again, how things develop, it could become an idea again someday if we just stay friends for now and it naturally happens." Of course, i am devastated. But i am wondering why he put that little bit of hope there with the "i don't know about the future". He says he still loves me and doesn't want to actively try to remove his feelings for me, but he doesn't want to pursue a relationship now. So of course it would be extremely unhealthy if i kept hoping it will come back, but honestly, i will always have that bit of hope inside. We see each other pretty often since we game together and always have been very close best friends. So what i will do now is just deepen our friendship again and appreciate it. But i am wondering, what do you guys think, why did he leave that option for the future? He said he doesn't see it in the forseeable future, what time is that even? I asked, he said he doesn't know. Do you have any feelings about this? Perhaps, you have experienced something similar? What are your thoughts? Am i naive? Because to me it sounded like he doesn't want me to live in the waiting pain until he figures himself out, hence the clear no for now. I asked if he wants me to get over him emotionally and find someone else, he wasn't sure:"hmm good question, i don't think so...or i don't know, i would have to see how that is". So basically it was like he postponed everything for a long time. And a few days later he talked about "if we find each other again" and he always said that this situation is how it is "for now". I am confused :-( Since we are long distance, it would be nice if he visited me again sometime. He said that if he was going to visit me, he would have to figure out what sort of visit this would be (best friend visit or more). Does he need more time to heal?