I’m a Horrible Human Being, I make this world a worse place.
I’m a seriously fucked up person. My family and friends give me so much love and it would be better suited for anyone else. A girl I used to talk to revealed to me tonight that she is trans, and I told her it was okay and I didn’t mind (romantically). I did mind, but I didn’t tell her. Instead, I blocked her account. I didn’t want to lead her on, but I also didn’t want to reject her, so I made the worst, most immature, avoidant decision to block her account. She texted me telling me to never contact her again. I told her I was sorry, that I panicked and made a stupid choice that hurt her, but that I’d respect her wishes and she wouldn’t hear from me again. I doubt she’ll respond, and she doesn’t need to. It’s possible that this is something that will affect her for years. Today is Mother’s Day, and it’s 3am. I won’t be able to sleep well, but I’ll try to hold it together.
I keep getting myself in shitty situations that hurt people, and feeling bad about it. This has to be the final straw. If I keep indulging in this horrible behavior just because I decided the world sucks, and then merely feeling bad about it afterward, it’s going to kill me, and hurt everyone around me. I do want to change, I want to be better, and I will work to get there. I want to make up for the shitty things I’ve done, I want to be able to love myself the way others do, I need to take accountability and figure my shit out. Nothing excuses what I’ve done, but I promise to everyone that I will get better.
It’s not just this, I’ve used my life as an excuse to be shitty before. I’m a victim of the world, just as much as anyone else is. It’s no reason to let myself hurt people I claim to care about. I am an attention seeking, childish, approval needing, whiny, perverted, thoughtless, narcissistic idiot. And I don’t want to feel that way. A few years ago, when (censored) and I were in a flirty-fling situationship, I knew there was a possibility that (censored) wouldn’t like it. They weren’t dating, but he clearly wanted her. I didn’t care. I could have stopped, but I thought “well (censored) is okay with this, why should I care.”
In the past, I’ve also hit on people who were clearly unavailable, because if they flirted back, it meant it was okay. It never was, it never will be. Every time anyone tells me they love me, I don’t think they would if they knew the things I’ve done. I’m so tired of playing the victim to myself, and using it as a reason to act selfishly. Growing up, in middle school, I was bullied, and it still affects me to this day. I have a constant need to prove myself. Like yeah, I can get play, I’m funny, I can win your approval. It’s pathetic, and I swear to God I will get better. I have to. I’m a fucking disgrace, and I want my loved ones to give love to someone who is worth it. I promise. I promise.
I feel like with anyone who I’m not completely comfortable around, the guilt and shame on my back is palpable.
Please don’t hold back if you read this and decide to respond. I’m aware that my shitty actions have consequences that affect people who deserve the world. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I will be telling my therapist all of this.