A queer, nonbinary-phobic lesbian?
Throwaway acct. The title is silly and a little dramatic, but I need some advice. I, (28TM, gay) went through a period before I passed as a man where it felt impossible to put myself out there to make friends after a string of awful transphobia and homophobia in my close relationships including family. The main person who stuck by my side is my partner, who has come out as nonbinary during our relationship and uses they/them pronouns. They’ve known me since high school and we’ve been together for 6+ years.
Last year, I decided to attend an event at my local queer community center with the intention of making friends. And I did! It was so nice to have an intentionally queer circle to exist in that felt safe. I noticed that one of my friends, a 30F? butch lesbian who has very casually mentioned some gender incongruence, really strongly questioned me when I told them I was gay and showed them a photo of my partner and I. Something along the lines of “how are you gay and have a girlfriend?”. I explained that my partner is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns, and that my being gay essentially means that I’m
attracted to non-women, and specifically I prefer androgynous people like my partner. I half-joked that, as trans guy, my sexuality is obviously trans inclusive. I remember her saying something along the lines of, “Just say you’re bi then?” which was invalidating but she’s a very unserious person so I let it side.
Ever since she saw that photo, she misgenders my partner. This did not happen before she saw the photo. Every single time I correct her, but after it happened 5 total times I put my foot down. I sent a text, advised she work on it, and she agreed.
The breaking point for me was when we were at the community center, and a random college age person approached me crying, saying she wanted to share that she was trans and had never said it out loud before, but wanted to tell a stranger first. I jumped into a conversation with her and we discussed HRT, social transition, etc. My friend then approached us, and I introduced the girl and her pronouns. The girl was so happy until my friend started to talk to us, turned to me, and said “He’ll like (other friend’s name)”. I snapped. I pulled her aside and basically asked her what the fuck she was doing, and that she was being highly disrespectful especially since she doesn’t even know if she’s cis herself. (I am
self aware and know this was a deep cut in hindsight) She got defensive and ended up leaving, but texted me later that night that she has “A lot of work to do on herself” and that I need to be patient with her, especially when it comes to my partner’s pronouns since “they’ll never pass”.
What the fuck! If this were a cis/het person, yeah whatever. But I finally have queer friends who interact with trans people all the time, and after ONE YEAR of knowing my partner and interacting with other trans people, they never seem to get it right. I’m very protective and blunt as you may notice. But this really validates why I was afraid to make friends before I looked like a man, because now I assume she would have treated pre-t me the same way as she treats others. Maybe this is more me venting, but I’d really like to hear opinions of my take on the situation especially if you have experienced something similar. I’m more than open to criticism. I just have so much care for this community and I don’t want to move through life feeling embarrassed of friends’ patterns of mistakes.