It’s pretty much what the title says. I ended it with my girlfriend without having a proper conversation. She doesn't know it yet but she will in 4 months.
When we met, I was in a good place: new high-paying job, solid groups of friends, optimistic about life. She seemed to match that energy, even coming off a messy breakup with one of my best friends. Friends warned me about getting involved, but I didn’t cut her off. We became close friends, a few drunken nights later (she brought the alcohol, unprompted), and we sort of fell into a secret relationship.
Fast forward a few months, some financial decisions out of my control hit me hard. Suddenly I owed six figures and could no longer fund every group outing. I told her I couldn’t keep spending $50+ per meal(2-3x per day) on her. Initially, nothing changed. Then the arguments started—about random, nonsensical things. I swear the hills she chose to die on made zero sense. I started thinking about ending it, but I had to move so we decided to move in with friends, and her behavior got worse. She quit her job without notice, sided with the clearly in-the-wrong instigator in household conflicts I wasn’t even part of, and called me a coward for not helping her physically assault a roommate. Stress does not begin to cover it. I secretly contacted the landlord, and we were able to leave early without losing the deposit.
Friends that knew about us told me to end it, but I didn’t. Things kept going downhill. We moved back in with our parents, but shortly after she had nowhere to go. My parents who didn't know about our relationship didn’t like her (long story), so I volunteered to live out of my car with her—even though I technically had a home—because the previous place had wrecked me financially. I also took gig work just to keep up with debt, then… she cheated. At that point, I couldn’t see her as a lifelong partner. I was basically helping a homeless friend. One that made me go from trusting people by default to not. I'm now team "trust must be earned". :(
Right before her birthday, she suggested a break. I told her I knew about the cheating. She cried, begged me to stay, and canceled the break. Dumb me, I stayed. I burned my $10k emergency fund to get us a place, things improved briefly, then she started disappearing. Hours gone, always in her car "watching Netflix or YouTube". At least that's what she told me she was doing. I would wake up with her gone and go to sleep the same. I was a glorified house and pet sitter for her. After a month, I tried to break up. She cried, saying it was because she lost a close family member—but this behavior had started long before that. I didn’t go through with it, but I was frustrated. I even joked with a friend that I'm mad at the person for dying.
I tried to communicate and she’d improve for two days at a time. Eventually, I mentally broke up in February. I’m detached now and that has seemingly changed something for her. She's making an effort, even for intimacy, but she gets the “I’m tired" excuse 90% of the time. Because the idea of being with her is just gross to me now. And it's not like things have changed. Even now, she's not here at 4am. She left at 8pm after freshing up to..
Checks notes... go watch Netflix in her car. I wrote a long relationship postmortem for her, set to be sent automatically two months before our lease ends. I’ll be moving out on my own then. I was a wreck months ago. Annoyed at myself for letting this happen. For feeling bad for her. But I'm pretty much back to where I was before her. I'm meeting cool people. I'm super patient again. I won't go out of my way to avoid her but the best we can be is acquaintances.
Was there anything I could have done differently here?