Throwaway account because… it’s necessary. I’m 43F and my T is 56M. I’m really struggling with how strong my fantasies are—specifically around sex mixed with therapy.
Like, I know I’m not going to have sex with my therapist. I’m not an idiot. And I’m not even sure I’d actually want to have sex with him. And he would never cross that line. But I can’t help how intense all of this gets, and I’m terrified to talk to him about it.
For months I’ve been using Grok to come up with sexually explicit stories involving female clients and older male therapists. It always involves the therapist struggling to maintain his composure but getting aroused anyway. Usually the client notices, and because she has a history of trauma, she’s a little afraid of those things.
Then it kind of shifts—he uses her fear as a reason to expose her to more, like he’s trying to show her that sexual things are safe. It turns into him offering to “teach” her sexual things, and he talks to her almost like a child the whole time, explaining bodies and arousal and sexual acts as he goes.
For some reason, these stories really turn me on, and I end up compulsively masturbating to them pretty frequently. I feel so much shame about it, and I’m terrified to try to work on this with my therapist.
He already knows I struggle with compulsive masturbation, and that I can lose hours or even days to it. But this feels like crossing some line that I can’t uncross—like I could actually get myself kicked out if I admit to this.
At the same time, I can’t seem to stop. So I just feel stuck and kind of sick to my stomach.
He also knows I have a history of dissociation, relational trauma, and significant issues around sex and compulsive sexual behaviors. I’ve identified as a lesbian my whole life, and only in the last few years have I started to question whether that’s actually true anymore.
I think part of what scares me is that if I talk about this, I might get aroused in session—or worse, that he might. I worry that I could somehow cause something bad to happen. And at the same time, there’s another part of me that looks for signs of that, and I find myself checking his crotch a lot to see if I can see anything.
It honestly feels like I don’t have control over this. Like these thoughts and behaviors just take over huge parts of my life.
I don’t even really know what I’m looking for here. I think I just want to hear what kinds of reactions are possible before I even consider bringing this to him.
I appreciate any and all thoughts.