No one knows what I've been through
Trigger warning - sexual coercion?
I just need to get it off my (F40) chest what I've been through.
Great s*x life until we started a family and it became another chore at the end of an already long day.
Felt pressured to have s*x during the 6 weeks after giving birth.
Felt pressured to be intimate in other ways soon after having cervical surgeries.
Told I was "lapping it up" if I enjoyed physical touch but didn't intend on having s*x.
I felt that my period was an inconvenience to him. If he asked and I turned him down because of my period he'd respond negatively, or he would ask why I didn't offer before my period started.
He would check/count my pads and tampons to know when he could ask/expect s*x again.
Mood swings if we didn't have s*x regularly enough. He'd slam doors, get grumpy quicker and take it out on everyone else.
I've laid still, in the dark, holding back tears, whilst he had s*x with me. On more than one occasion.
I've woken up to his p*nis being thrust in my hand.
I've woken up to him trying to slide my knickers down with his p*nis against my bottom.
I've woken up to my breasts and bottom being groped.
He would keep tabs on my vibe to see if it had been moved, meaning I'd used it without him. If I did, he would make negative comments about it.
I've been told he needs physical touch. It's his love language. He needs the connection.
I've agreed to sex when I didn't feel like it because it was the easier option. We'd all have a better day if he was satisfied.
S*x became a currency, I'd agree if there was something in it for me. Eg a back massage. Because of this I feel like I set unhealthy boundaries around consent and brought some of these behaviours on myself. I'm so broken and alone.