Am I a narcissist?
So I (26F) am really worried I am a narcissistic. I’ve struggled all of my life with friendships, ever since my first day of school. I have had on an off friendships, but can never stay consistent and they always end up poorly and I am worried. I feel like I’m the common factor and so there is a problem with me.
I’m worried I play the victim card
a recent situation where I moved into my first house and we closed within three weeks of sending the offer. It was very fast. At the time, I was working on selling my small business, packing my apartment, a new job and taking care of my mom with stage 4 cancer. Everything slipped my mind other than that. My best friend, a few days after we officially had our offer accepted, found out by accident at the hospital with my mom. I apologized profusely because she was hurt and I never wanted to hurt her and admitted that I hadn’t thought much of how I was going to tell anyone because I thought I would have more time than I did. She gave me a really hard time, no matter how much I apologized and I started to get really upset. I completely understand that, as mg best friend, she was upset that I didn’t tell her. I suppose I put myself in her shoes and I would have reacted differently and would have been surprised, but wanted to celebrate. Obviously, I know I’m different from her and at the end, she is entitled to how she feels. But I still couldn’t help feeling upset over everything because the fight lasted my whole first month in my house and I constantly felt this sick feeling in my stomach because I hate fighting with people, especially those I love.
Wanting to be acknowledged for accomplishments
In my old job, I worked as a performer. My boss had a known tier list of her favorites and her least. I was a least. I worked with a lot of incredible girls who had stellar talent, but I also knew I worked hard and didn’t deserve the treatment I got. I was often made fun of about my looks and weight to others, was given the “unfun” shifts, had my private sex life gossiped about because she thought I apparently wasn’t attractive enough, and when giving compliments to every girl in the room, I would be skipped over. I knew I was good at my job because I would constantly pull in 5-star reviews and was requested often, so even though I doubted myself a lot, I knew at least I was doing my job well and was upset when she would still put me down. I never felt like the girls who were celebrated didn’t deserve it, they did a hell of a job. I suppose I just wanted half of the praise they received. It wasn’t until I fell into an ED and became unhealthy that I went to the top of her list.
Hurt by criticism
I grew up in a household where minor wrongdoings were punished severely and I was the peace keeper of the house. When others are upset, I feel like I physically cannot be happy until things are remedied. With that being said, I’m also hurt. There are things, such as my husband asking me if I could work on taking the dog out more, that I have no problem accepting and working on. But then there are times where I feel like criticism is made unfairly or I am very hurt by it. Like when I sold my small business (not a daily job, more of a case by case basis with subcontractors) I was selling it to a girl who worked for me. I didn’t want to let people know because I didn’t want to put pressure on her, even though she had agreed and we were just waiting on the contract. When she dropped out, I had already been set to move with a new house. I told my employees as soon as I found out that business would run as usual and that I was looking for a new owner while I moved. I didn’t mention anything about the girl who dropped out because I knew she felt responsible and didn’t want to put her on the spot. But then people started getting mad at me saying I handled the transition poorly and was not being transparent and I got upset because I was trying to be as transparent as I could without hurting anyone. It made me feel so sick that others were so angry with me. I know there are ways I could have handled it better and I apologized, but it still didn’t matter.
Withdrawing
I withdraw from conflict. As a kid, my house was only conflict and I go into flight mode because conflict often meant being hurt physically or being screamed at. So as an adult, I will do anything to ensure that conflicts don’t arise. However, when they don’t simmer down, I usually withdraw and hide because I feel like the world is crashing down with nowhere to go. Recently, I deleted my socials because I had a breakup with a friend group and seeing them all hurt me too much.
Doing good things
I’ve always lived by my mom’s motto that “it’s the angels you meet along the way that makes the whole journey worth it”. I want to do things that make others smile because you don’t know what they are going through. As someone who has struggled with attempts, I know what those few moments of kindness can do and I want to be that for someone. I worry that I come off too strong, like I’d buy flowers for girls in my class I was acquaintances with after they had a breakup because I could see how sad they were and seeing them smile made me happy. I love putting together little feel good baskets for friends who are down, filled with face masks and lotions and things that make you feel good. I love to bake and cook for people. I’ve volunteered for a lot of pediatric cancer work. I like doing these things because I want to leave the world better than when I found it and to be a reason someone doesn’t cry themselves to sleep at night. But then I worry, am I doing it to be performative? I don’t feel like I am, but it also makes me happy to do it.
Feeling like others care about me/what they think
I was bullied for my looks my entire life. My father used to point out ugly women to me as a child and tell me the reason their husbands stared at my mom was because they had ugly wives and my mom was hot. So I learned early that my worth and love are tied to my looks. And I worry a lot about what people think about them. I’ve struggled with an ED 13 years because of it. I also get upset because I feel like nobody cares about me. And I get upset. I feel like if I died tonight, nobody would attend my funeral. I had confided in a close-ish friend that I had made a plan to attempt and went somewhere for help. I told her because she was told my husband I was acting strange and I had withdrawn completely from everyone. I suppose I was trying to explain myself because I didn’t want her to think I hated her. But she sent a short text back saying she was glad I wasn’t upset, but didn’t seem to care too much about what I had said. And then I didn’t hear from her since and it really hurt.
In the end
I don’t feel like I know who/what I am. I’ve had my family and husband look through articles with me about narcissism and that practically laugh when I bring it up. But they are biased. My therapist also told me I wasn’t - but I’m only sharing my side of the story. I’m told often by others that I’m really kind, sweet and nice. But I feel like there is an ugly monstrous part of me that is driving people away. I want to have friends because I feel so lonely. Advice?