How do I finally accept she was toxic?
I’m posting this here because I just arrived home after spending some time with me friends. One of them asked what happened with my ex and when I told them, they were all in shock at one harassment episode that happened to me. Also, english is not my first language so I apologise for any mistakes.
Me and my ex are both women. We broke up 8 months ago when we lived together. My ex had a rough childhood, filled with domestic and even sexual violence that occurred both to her and to close family members, whose abuse she witnessed as she grew up. For that reason, she was really depressed and spent a lot of time scrolling through tiktok on bed.
I was doing all I could to handle our bills, but it was getting more difficult with each day. It hurt me to watch her laying in bed everyday when I was so stressed out keeping us fed and with energy in our home. I always made excuses in my head about how she was depressed, how she’d be better when she took her pills and go to therapy, which I guaranteed she had access to albeit with no change to her behaviour.
One day, as I was lying in bed crying because the bills were getting so hard to pay. She sit beside me and watched in silence as I cried. As soon as I stopped, she climbed on top of me and started to grope me.
Five or so minutes later, I resumed crying and she stopped, lied down beside me and stared at the ceiling, expressionless.
I asked why she wasn’t doing anything even though I was crying and needed support, and she told me she “was feeling guilty to touch me when I was like that”.
No apologises, nothing.
Both my friends were in shock that this happened and my therapist told me this could be considered sexual harassment. There were a lot more toxic occurrences despite this being the worst probsbly. But , even so, I can only remember the good things in our relationships. Our inside jokes, our shared interests, our promises to each other…
Has anyone gone through this? Having your mind somehow downplaying the bad and toxic things your ex did? I sort of feel like there’s something wrong with me for being so fond of someone who nearly abused me.