I feel extremely anxious and suicidal.
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I have moved out to a new house this week with my family. I lived for almost 28 years in the previous house. The first two days were extremely good in this new place. I had mental peace. I helped my dad in setting up the entire space. I got exhausted and the next day I felt sick. I was down with a high fever and vomiting.
Today when I woke up, I woke up with hell lots of anxiety. I couldn't breathe. It felt like I wanted to run away but exactly where that idk. There was mental fog.
I just didn't want to take shower or do regular activities. I hardly had any food and was in bed rotting all day long. Usually I have work but I have off for a few days.
I feel suicidal as I am writing this. I tried talking to my partner and friends but nothing seems to work. It feels like there is a voice that is asking me to end it. My chest feels tightened and heavy. I don't want this pain. I fucking don't want to feel the way I feel. This is also spoiling my relationship with my LDR partner. Idk what he thinks of me but it is definitely not the same as before. My heart feels heavy. It is scared. It is done with all the trauma of all these years. I feel like ending this pain. I cannot deal this with anymore. The endless pain since 2013 Idk when this will end.
People have either abandoned me or I have pushed them away. And it no longer feels that anyone in my life would ever choose me or stay with me. Idk where to vent out of what to say. It feels if I vent out more to people in my life they might drop me. Or leave me. I have lived my life this way for almost 10+ years and I finally wish to be happy. But I can't be. I try every morning but I fail miserably.