I keep losing close female friendships and I’m trying to figure out how much of it is me
I’m in my early 30s and I’ve been sitting with something uncomfortable lately. Every close female friendship I’ve had has ended, and I’m trying to be honest with myself about the pattern. Middle school, high school, college - there’s one from each chapter and I can’t ignore it anymore.
My closest friend growing up stopped talking to me because I moved to china. I reconnected with her years later, got her a job where I worked. But then she became close with my abusive ex after we broke up. He had been violent and threatening toward me when I broke up with him. He showed up at my place of work everyday until I quit to avoid him. When I told her it made me uncomfortable, she said I was “putting her in a tough spot.” She ended up inviting him to her wedding and stopped talking to me altogether.
My best friend from high school — she and another friend went on a trip together based on an idea I had originally brought to the group, without including me. When I brought it up she got defensive, said we “needed boundaries,” and essentially treated me like I was unhinged for being hurt. We drifted and I ended up missing her wedding as well. When I tried to reconnect later, things were briefly fine and then she went cold after I made one mildly opinionated comment in a casual conversation. Nothing cruel, just an opinion. I literally just said the world needs to stop glorifying reality stars and she treated me like I was being unhinged.
My closest friend from college — I started dating someone who was an old friend of hers. She swore she had no feelings for him and I believed her. But she grew to resent me anyway — her reasoning seemed to be that she thought I’d get bored and move on, and that bothered her. She got genuinely mean. The worst moment was when she told me “nobody even likes you, they just feel bad for you.” I’ve never fully shaken that one. I broke up with him because I didn’t want the stress anymore.
Now in my current life I notice similar friction, and it’s started showing up around my relationship too. I’m close with my ex — complicated history but we’re still very much in love I’m just trying to commit to my sobriety rn and it’s hard to do that in a newer relationship pre-marriage. Female colleagues and acquaintances are openly warm toward him, almost performatively so, and the energy toward me shifts noticeably in those moments. One woman recently said to my face “if I knew you loved him I wouldn’t have asked to touch him” — like she was doing me a favor by disclosing it, but it landed as a dig. There are also recurring “good for you” comments when I mention anything about him or us, delivered in that particular tone that isn’t quite congratulatory. More like good for u for figuring out how to get someone so out of your league.
It’s a pattern I can’t fully explain. On paper I’m not doing anything provocative. I’m not loud, I’m not aggressive, I don’t go out of my way to antagonize anyone. I have a healthy ego, I’m not bella hadid but I think I’m cute. I have had nothing but great partners who are quality ppl so I can’t be that bad.
But I consistently get this response from women that makes me feel like I’m being quietly resented for something I can’t identify.
I’ve always clicked more easily with men and I hate that that’s true because I genuinely want close female friendships.
I’m not looking to be told none of it is my fault. I’m asking sincerely — is there a type of woman who just doesn’t land well with other women, and what’s usually behind it? Has anyone been through this and figured something out?