[l] I need someone to talk to.
Im from Iraq, and I hate my country, i think that's what started me down this whole mess, I hate this stupid third world shithole god has for some reason forced me into, I hate the people, I hate the culture, I hate the language, I hate everything about this nation and I want nothing more then to leave, but I cant, not only because I'm 16 and thus not independent enough, but I also come from a middle aged family who can just afford to send me to a different nation, especially not one Id actually enjoy being in.
I try to study a lot, in the hopes I might manage to grab some sort of scholarship to leave, which not only is incredibly unrealistic, it's also a completely bonkers idea, because I can not focus for shit, I always space out and even when I try to just get my work done, it all comes out shit anyway. I know not all of us are smart but I fucking hate it so much, I hate being such an unfocused idiot.
Asylum isn't a possibility either, since it's not like my house is getting carpet bombed anytime soon for me to apply to something like that.
The worst part is my parents had an opportunity to immigrate to Germany when I was 5, and just didn't do it, no good reason, I couldve been there, among people that maybe a little think like me, but no, "this guy has to live in Iraq" god decided so I have to.
Im also bisexual, which just makes it fucking incredible walking around the city and hearing people chanting death to gays, I feel safe asf here.
Part of me thinks I won't fit in even in the western world. Like if by some miracle I managed to go there, I fear I would be nothing more then an immigrant, I fear that people won't respect me, I fear that I'll just go from one bad situation to another one.
There isn't any hotlines in my country, any I have found are dead. And there aren't any psychiatrists in my city and out of city ones are too expensive, prohibitively so. So I can't reach out even if I wanted to, I would prefer not to reach out to family but with my father's surgery and my mother's various health problems, it feels like the worst possible time to come out and ask for help.
Some days I feel like I shouldn't feel this way, I mean, so many people right now are stuck in war, stuck in famine, so many people are battling cancer in the hopes they might survive. These people are clinging to life by any means necessary, and here is me, healthy middle class guy, who wants to end it all, even though I know it's not my fault, even though I know my situation is just unfortunate, I know that my depression is an illness, I know it's normal to feel this way but it doesn't fucking help me.
The only reason I haven't offed myself yet is because of my family, I don't want to make my mum and dad think they failed as parents when they've sacrificed so much for us, I don't want to make my older sister relapse into her own depression, and most of all I don't want my 12 year old sister to be forced to mourn her brother. I'm not cruel enough for that, but it gets to a point.
Part of me lives only because I don't want to be buried in fucking Iraq, I'm not spiritual but I don't even wanna risk spending the rest of however long in this country.
What do I do? Please help me, I try to not think about it but I'm scared of how fast the desire is growing in me.