I'm confused, worried, and scared. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, or what I can do differently.
This is going to maybe be a long one, but I'm laying here next to my wife, and I'm just feeling sick to my stomach.
I am a stay at home dad. I've worked most of my life. From the time I was 13 until a few years ago when the place I worked for closed unexpectedly. I have a wide range of skills, but none of them earn very much compared to some higher paying jobs. I have some injuries that keep my from doing some of the more physical jobs, but for stuff around the house and being a caretaker, I can do that okay.
I have five children with my ex wife, aged 23, 21, 19,17 and 16. My second and third children are severely autistic, nonverbal, and require protective supervision. I got certified as an IHSS provider to be able to care for them so that they do not have to go to a home. I split their care with their mother, who lives in the same city. My youngest has some severe behavioral problems and has been in and out of residential treatment centers for the last year. Self harm, impulsivity, seeking dangerous relationships, etc, leaning towards either borderline or histrionic personality disorder.
I am remarried. I met my wife ten months after i separated from my ex wife. We were not divorced yet. I made this very plain. My ex dragged her feet and it took us over five years to get the divorce finalized. Two weeks later, my current wife and i were married. Now i am about to close on the refinance that will get my ex wife's name off of the house and pay her out her share of the equity. We're almost done.
My wife has been growing distant, irritable, and it feels unreasonable. I am 41, she is almost 39. She has two kids from previous relationships, aged 11 and almost 14. The 14v year old is in the spectrum, but pretty high functioning. The very youngest is neurotypical, but like... she just gets mean as hell. I am told that can be topical for girls her age, but it seems like a lot. Sometimes she loves me, wants hugs and to talk to me other times I am garbage.
My wife works a professional job in finance/ accounting/ auditing. She is pushing for either a promotion or a diagonal upward job change. I think she has it in the bag. She is immensely qualified, has three applicable masters degrees, an applicable bachelor's degree, knows the people she'd be working with, and has several strong letters of recommendation.
We both provide close to the same amount financially to the family finances (i bring in slightly more), but i pay for more of the food stuff and do 99% (if not 100%) of the house work and child care. I have better credit and higher credit card limits, so if a big purchase needs to be made, l float it and she pays me back over time. I absorb the interest.
Whenever we disagree on something, she just... shuts down. It feels like she is not interested in hearing what I think about something, unless it is to agree with her point if view. Frequently I do, but recently I have felt she is being too harsh with my youngest, seeming to hunt out reasons to enact consequences, even when the infractions are either petty or sort of flimsy put together. Meanwhile, her youngest is mean, disrespectful, does things to flaunt rules, and the response is "oh you know how she is."
She has been very upset with my youngest recently. They just finished their most recent run of residential treatment followed by virtual online intensive therapy, and i can see some improvement, even if some of the problems still exist. They are still impulsive and the still resort to mistruths in the moment but they have been correcting themselves and apologizing when they catch themselves doing it. This isn't good enough for my wife, she still enacts consequences.
We're going on s camping trip this weekend, supposed to leave tomorrow morning after i take my kids to their mom's for their time with her. Originally, we were just going with her kids, but my youngest asked if they could go. Initially, we told them we weren't bringing electronics or anything like that, and they changed their mind, then changed it back, then changed it again. Now they saw all of the camping gear and camping food and they wanted to go again.
I was cautious, because I know this camping trip was an important getaway for my wife, so i did not suggest that we let my youngest join. They have in the past shaved to end outings early because they were bored or stressed or anxious. I didn't want that to happen this time, but I think my wife could tell I felt bad leaving them out. She asked if we should give them the chance, and i said they would greatly appreciate it, I think, but I didn't want it to interfere with my wife being able to enjoy the trip. We talked about it, she decided that we could set firm expectations, and give them the choice again. They chose to come.
At first my wife was okay, but as the night went on, she got quieter and more distant. I made dinner, fed the kids feed the dogs and cats, got laundry cleaned, loaded the car up and even drove to get the new tent, air mattress, and sleeping bag for my youngest. I paid for everything.
I was making sure the dishes were done, the garbage was out, green waste, etc, white she watched a show with her youngest. When i had caught up, she was kissing in bed with her phone, and barely responded to me. I asked her if she was okay, I got a nod. I asked if she wanted to watch something, she shook her head. I asked if she wanted to play a video game together, another head shake.
She then said that every time she tried to talk to me, I was to busy for her. My jaw dropped, like, there was stuff that had to be done to be able to go, and frankly, it's almost 1am and it's not all done yet. She didn't help me do any of it, she got home from her job and just went to our room and sat/lay on the bed. Any time I heard her speak to me, I sat and talked with her as long as she wanted me to.
Then she said she feels like she needed to talk through inviting my youngest and she feels like we're idiots for doing so and we've already ruined her trip. I said that it could be okay and that going into it thinking it would be horrible was a self fulfilling prophecy, and we should try to remain optimistic. She said fine, whatever, turned over and refused to talk to me and just went to sleep. In the past, after these sorts of things, she will ask me if I want her to move out, if i want her to leave, and I trek her that no, i do not want her to leave, I love her, I just don't understand why it has to go to such extremes all the time.
I'm tired. I'm scared. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I am being eaten alive by anxiety. I'm scared that she is just preparing herself to leave me by detaching and trying to make it more my fault instead of her choice. I dint know what I'm doing wrong that she says she feels unsupported, but I sometimes feel like she is trying to push my kids out and have hers be the only ones.
I don't know what to do, or what I'm doing wrong and I'm about to have a panic attack. Any advice would be amazing.