I Believe I may have Autism and ADHD (20M England)
Okay so I am going to try and write this in the best way I can because I am bad with punctuation and I do tend to ramble a lot by accident.
I am 20 years old and I have found that over the last 1.5 years my brain has become more and more confusing.
I have always been a very hyper child I would jump everywhere, spin on the floor, make loud sounds and the big one was always pretending I was in a TV show.
I am very emotional I would cry over a lot of different things something that I feel like my Dad didn't like when I was a kid because a male crying this much I guess just looked bad? I cry over films, music, if people are upset I am extremely empathetic I feel people's feelings.
Recently I haven't been able to cry. For most people that might not seem that bad but as someone who would cry all the time it is bad for me I feel numb I want to cry but it is like it is stuck for some reason.
As a child I was diagnosed with Anxiety after the doctors initially believed the tightness I would get in my chest was asthma. As well as Anxiety I was diagnosed with Maths dyscalculia and then around 14-15 years old I was diagnosed with Auditory and Visual Processing Disorder.
I started believing I was autistic late last year when my partner of 1 year at the time moved in with me and my parents. She started noticing things I would do for example, I would be very devoted to my morning routine not being able to break it even if I was late for something in the morning or needed to leave fast I just couldn't break the routine.
My partner also noticed me getting very exhausted if I was out in social spaces for longer than 2 hours I would come home and be extremely tired sometimes I would get tired whilst we are out and I will get really overwhelmed and agitated.
When I get overwhelmed I have meltdowns and shutdowns I stop being able to speak and I start freaking out. There is a specific thing about me having a meltdown that makes me feel like I have anger issues or I am crazy even though it is not like that at all I just feel so frustrated with myself and my brain.
I would say from the ages of 12 - 15 I started feeling different signs of something was growing but not strong enough for me to really notice. And from 16- 20 it has been a gradual increase in feeling extremely overwhelmed, overstimulated, frustrated, tired when I am out for long periods of time.
I haven't properly listed everything that I feel so I want to do that so I don't forget to mention it as it feels very important to mention.
I get overstimulated by loud sounds if I hear loud sounds I feel angry? If I hear chewing sounds I feel like I am going crazy there is more than that but I will generally just put it as misophonia as there are too many example of this happening to me.
This reaction to sounds has been present when I was younger but again like everything else it has got so much worse since becoming an adult.
When I feel angry or frustrated it sends me into a loop of questioning myself asking myself what is wrong with me? Why am I feeling like this? What kind of person does this make me?
When my suspected misophonia kicks in and it is something my partner is doing i feel so much crippling guilt for feeling frustrated by the sounds.
The next thing would be I can't deal with people shouting at me I automatically shut down. I won't be able to speak and my whole life it has looked like I am sulking and people used to say that to me but it is literally just that I would be feeling so much emotion and I would want to cry and be alone to try regulate myself. I also just feel like if someone shouts at me it automatically means that they must hate me.
I have a terrible habbit of apologising for everything even if I did nothing wrong. I am very horrible to myself internally and will make jokes out of frustration aimed at myself.
I feel like because my brain is like this I always thought maybe I was crazy and a terrible person and so I would beat myself up. If I can genuinely figure out why I am like this than maybe I can start being kinder to myself.
I am considering therapy to help with my self talk problems. I feel like all of this has maybe caused some level of depression and I didn't really even think about it or notice it until again my partner mentioned it.
I have probably missed a lot of my symptoms but I can't think of the rest right now.
I am really scared if I am being honest. I don't feel like myself anymore or like I felt when I was younger everything feels so much more confusing and difficult and I just want to go back to how I was.
I am scared of ruining my relationship I want her to be happy and I feel like this huge burden because I am not like everyone else. I have spoke to her about all of this and she has helped me understand my brain a lot more but I still don't want to kill the relationship because of how my brain works.
I need to know how to cope if this is autism and ADHD I need to be able to learn new ways so I can move forward.
I want to be able to support my partner to the best of my abilities without having meltdowns and feeling anxious or agitated and overstimulated by things.
As I am writing this I just remembered that it seems to be triggers that effect me one thing can set me off and completely derail my mood and once that happens it is like no matter what I can not for the life of me regulate my emotions and my brain.
Anyway thank you foe reading if you made it this far I am really sorry if it is difficult to read or understand.
I just need advice and maybe anyone that has had similar experiences to maybe give me some tips on what I should do next?
(I remembered more traits I feel could be autism or ADHD, I become obsessed with shows or games or ideas that I will be hyper fixated on and then it will disappear and something else will take it's place. I also lose motivation for ideas not being able to follow through with creative projects.)