AITA for being peer-pressured to say the N word
In my first year of college I was living with a couple guys Jake and Erik in a suite who said the n word as part of their humour. Even though my high school friends made those jokes too, I never said the word and always stayed silent. I always thought it was wrong but I didn’t wanna be “that guy”. Especially because it feels like every guy my age has that kind of humour, I didn’t wanna be left with no friends.
In my freshman year I was asked to say the word with Jake and Erik quite a bit, and I was able to resist for over 4 months. They would get upset when I wouldn’t say it and call me a pussy or gay. Eventually I got so sick of the asking over and over again that I caved and said a few times in the context of calling my friends the word. This all happened in our suite behind closed doors when it was just us. I did not want to, but I felt really judged by the guys that I was living with for not saying it, especially when it was so common for them to use it. I said the word probably a total of 5 to 10 times before my freshman year ended, and I haven’t said it since, even when I’ve hung out with these same guys, which actually led to Jake getting really mad at me.
I’ve felt absolutely horrible about it since then and believe I’m a terrible person. This happened when I was 18 and I’m 20 now, but I’m still really beating myself up over it. Am I a bad person for saying the word a handful of times, or did I just simply make a mistake and evolve?
I did cut off both Jake and Erik and I’m considering cutting off my high school friends who still say it. Other than this whole thing I did have healthy friendships with all these guys, so I’m worried I’m spiralling too much about it.
Also everyone here (me, college friends, HS friends) is white.