I don't know what to do
Me (23F) and my bf (23M) have been together for 4.5 years, since freshman year of college. Reexamining everything through the lens I have now, I can look back and notice there were always signs of excessive alcohol use.
When we first started dating at 18, he often would wake up early in the summer to drink a White Claw before his parents got home from work. I think he might have done it every day. We would hang out on weekends, and he would arrive at my house already having drunk. He would bring more alcohol, and I would partake with him. We were young and didn't realize what might come of all this drinking.
Eventually, it got to a point where nearly every time we hung out, we were drinking together. At first, we would get giddy and tipsy and enjoy each other. But it got to a point where I was dissatisfied; it felt like we were escaping together rather than building a solid foundation together. At around 20, I curbed my own drinking. I found myself getting to the point where I couldn't properly relax or have fun without a drink. My family is fraught with alcoholics. I don't think a single man on my father's side has lived past the age of 60 in generations. I didn't want to follow in those footsteps. I didn't mention anything to him; I just silently began to control myself more.
Once I started drinking less, I started noticing more of his behaviors while drinking that made me uncomfortable. He never knew his limits, no matter the circumstance. He always had one clear goal: to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible. Every single event where alcohol was served, I was turned into the designated sober chaperone. Once, he got so drunk at my aunt's birthday party that other family members pulled me aside and asked if he was on pills. Two years in a row, at the same friend's birthday party, he drank too much and passed out on the couch within an hour of the party starting. On our first trip overseas without parents, he left me alone in the hotel room for hours and returned absolutely sloshed, pissed on the bed. He's gotten into countless arguments with my friends while drunk, because he doesn't like to be disagreed with in that state. Recently, he got into an argument with my friend because they disagreed on their opinion on Nicki Minaj, and he ended up calling my friend stupid for holding such an opinion.
In the past year, things have gotten exponentially worse, and this week, a total nosedive. He's ended up in the hospital 3 times since November due to excessive drinking, where he ends up incapacitated in the streets. About two months ago, he was drunk, and he almost lost his life because he was lured by a group of guys to go drink with them. They robbed him, mugged him at gunpoint, broke his nose, left him unconscious and bleeding in the streets at 1 am. I thought this would make him realize the extent of his issue, that he needed help.
And now this week. I don't know what happened. Things have been going better; he hadn't been drinking and started going to therapy after what happened. He was being more honest with me, upfront, sharing his feelings. Then his birthday came. He always gets depressed on his birthday, and I really try my best to make him feel special. I baked him that Tom Cruise coconut cake from scratch, took him out to dinner the night before, bought him a kit for his new model building hobby, and a canvas map of his favorite video game. His family got together the day before to celebrate. We all ate dinner and cut a cake for him.
Then on Monday, the day of his actual birthday, things fell apart. I could tell he seemed upset all day over text, sad. He went to work and had to work late. The night before, he kept telling me how he didn't have the will to live anymore. He ended up getting upset because by 7 pm on the day of, his father hadn't said happy birthday to him, only complained that he didn't wash the car. Come to find out, his brother and sister didn't text him on the day of. His mother just said, "It's your birthday" in the morning. The only people who wished him happy birthday were me, my friends, and family, and I think that made him feel terribly for the way he had treated me.
To make a long story short, from Monday night to now, he has been on a bender. Drinking all week at home, called out of work Tues-Fri. He sobbed to my father this week about how he thinks he's a bad person and didn't want to live anymore. He ripped up the front garden of his family home, broke the mailbox, and broke the gate. He drove drunk yesterday, and his parents had to take the car keys away. He's pushing me away like never before, saying he can't be the man I want him to be.
He seems completely resigned, like he has given up and just wants to continue destroying his life. Yesterday, he got EMS called on him while sitting on a stranger's stoop. They took him to a psychiatric ward, but released him promptly after he sobered up and convinced them he was fine, refusing meds or help. He skipped his therapy appointment today. I really think he is trying to make everyone mad at him, so it will make it easier in his mind to kill himself. I am so lost, heartbroken, and disappointed. I know you can't give someone the will to live or change, but God, I would do anything. I would take him back into my arms in a heartbeat if he just agreed to go to rehab, to commit to getting better.