My wife has BPD and I am so close to giving up.
I apologize in advance for the long post. I don’t know if im just trying to vent or if im looking for potential answers.
The background… Without getting into her personal business I will summarize that she has been through some significant traumatic life events from childhood to adulthood. Prior to meeting her I had no idea what BPD was. Early on we would have these huge blowup fights over things that weren’t a big deal in my head but for her it went from loving everything about me and telling me how amazing I was and how much she loved me to instantly packing her bags to leave. About 6 months into the relationship she tells me how she was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager but she never went through treatment because her mom would dismiss it a bi polar. So I asked what it was and we watched a dr speak about it together… and it blew my mind because the dr was literally describing my wife’s episodes perfectly.
My wife’s traumas have conditioned her that chaos and toxicity are normal so that when things are going really good for us, she is waiting for something bad to happen and once the trigger comes then she explodes. She literally becomes a different person. She could be so happy and telling me frequently that she loved me and how blessed and happy she is and then she gets triggered into a splitting episode which provokes name calling, and im unattractive, she’s not happy and she’s leaving. Its that black and white mentality. Early on her splitting episodes would be over within 24 hours and then she would come apologize and ask me to never leave her and she loves me so much. And I do love her too and so I learned that this is part of her and she really doesn’t mean what she says when she is splitting that its fear of abandonment and self sabotaging. She wants to destroy things and be in control instead of letting circumstances happen naturally.
So fast forward a couple of years. We put up with these episodes and I knew that we were always able to correct the situation once the episode was finished. So I married her and made a commitment to love her the way she is. I want to be a supportive husband… afterall its the right thing to do.
During my youtube education of BPD, I heard the doctors discuss risky behaviors being associated with it but didn’t pay that part much mind because I wasnt concerned about her loyalty. Ugh. Well about 6 months ago she has an episode and leaves. Shouldnt be a problem right? She will come out of it and apologize and things will be good again. Well … not that time. She ends up at a hotel with some guy. I was furious. As a man I need to draw the line right there. But I didn’t… After the tears flowed and the bpd diagnosis and the apology I forgave it. To shorten this post lets just say that there have been two more episodes since then with the same result. She has literally crushed my soul. And when she is in her normal mindset she shows remorse and regret and thinks she is such a bad person so I forgive her. After this much punishment I finally decide to get treatment. I mentioned treatment during the prior episodes but she had an excuse that she didn’t want to deal with it. This time it’s the only way we can move forward because i had enough. So we were about a week away from her appointment with a BPD therapist and she has an episode. She moved to her parents and hasn’t done any physical cheating that im aware of but she is talking to people on Snapchat etc.
I am so exhausted by this. I know she will snap out of this and ask to come back. But she has literally destroyed everything. So I decided to move on for now. She’s cheated so many times while i been loyal. So I contacted some old friends and was set to go out tonight and I can’t go through with it. Why can’t I do what she does so easily? Its frustrating. For some reason I still feel the need to be loyal until we figure this out.
She has literally affected my confidence and self esteem to the point that I want it to be over but then I break my promise to always be there. Who else is going to be there for her? Will she be ok? I just don’t want to be another person to walk out on her. But I can’t be expected to be a doormat for her to walk on. And every time I tried to move on in the past she would get so upset and start crying about why she always has to mess everything up. And of course I go hold her to make her feel better. I love her so much and I know that she loves me as well. I really just want her to be ok and to be happy.
If anyone has gone through something similar that can give advice i would appreciate it. If anyone is aware of someone like my wife who got successful treatment and is in remission please let me know as well. BPD is a very serious issue and needs to be treated, the person with BPD carries a lot of pain but the secondary effects cause a lot of pain for their loved ones.