u/Emotional_Translator

Woo. I think this will be a bit long, but please read. Please anyone. And sorry if its riddled with typos. I’m pretty frayed, it’s late and am kinda just writing freely/flowstate, etc.

I’ve suspected and have confirmed within myself (but having trouble accepting) that my mom is an NPD. Last few years I’ve been learning about what that means and everything over the last decades began to make sense.

Unfortunately, just simply learning about the disorder over the last couple years, doesn’t automatically translate to into anything too effective in terms of self protection real time. Which is my own fault.

I’ve also suspected and now feel confirmed that my brother is as well. They get along the best and he is certainly the “golden child”. But I’m much more tolerant and forgiving with him because I know the turmoil we grew up under and he is also not my parent. They live in the same area. I live across the country. We have two other siblings who cut contact with our mom years ago.

I recently graduated and my mom is gifting me her old car. So I’ve come out to pick it up. I’m here now and for the next few days and it’s been a nightmare.

My mom is totally holding the car over my head and basically trying to use it as leverage to try verbally, mentally and emotionally abuse me again while I’m here. Total disrespect and mind games. I’m an adult. I haven’t seen her in years and keep my distance. I haven’t let anyone treat me the way she treated me as a child for a long while now. Car or no car. So I automatically haven’t been letting things slide or backing down, which was making it worse.

All we have to do is sign some paperwork, but she is dragging out the process. Getting mad and making cases out of nothing so she can unload on me, my brother or whoever else.

Prior to coming I was suspicious of how friendly and helpful she was being over the phone, since I really do need the car, I definitely had my guard down and saw the 180 in person. And it still cuts pretty deep. Before I went off, I repeatedly and gently told her to lay off me a few times and tried to figure out how exactly I was upsetting her so much. There’s still no answer.

Finally two days in I snapped. Shouting match. Doing exactly what she’s been fishing for the whole time. Now she has the ammo to say it’s me who is out of control, provoking her, making this process hard, belittling her, having a poor attitude, and ungrateful. It’s enraging because I’m literally doing *nothing* or reacting to being completely attacked. I’ve expressed thanks for the car every day since she told me she was giving it to me. Truthfully because I am thankful. Still painful and triggering even though I know it isn’t reality.

I see she has actually gotten worse with age and is now even noticeably disturbed to strangers and the poor kid working at the grocery store who wasn’t familiar with the very obscure fruit she was looking for.

Now here’s where it gets fucked.

Prior to me coming out, my brother has recently and surprisingly been privately expressing getting a *restraining order* against our mom because she constantly comes to his home uninvited (after multiple talks of him asking her not to) tries to take over, leaving things there for “storage”, stressfully cooking meals no one asks for, then picks fights with him inside his own house. He asked me to join him in confronting her about her possibly moving back to our home state (not where I currently live btw) so he and his family could have some space and boundaries.

While here, the NEXT DAY after my mom and I had the big fight, she came back over again and did the exact same with my brother. It was eye opening because I didn’t think she was as severe and disrespectful with him, especially in adulthood. But I do know even if he is the “golden child” there was still abuse.

He accidentally threw out random stuff she had “stored” in his garage for months and she began walking around his house saying “I’m pissed off” then began talking about how if it was his wife’s things it wouldn’t have been thrown out. Which to me is insane. (My SIL even told me about her leaving non refrigerated fish in the house for five days and the day after she threw it out our mom showed up looking for it)

I got to see up close and person my brother letting her get him feeling guilty and confused. Which hurt me also. Then he began to sorta yell that she needs to get all her stuff out and he threw it out on purpose and to stop coming and he doesn’t want her around but it was “weak” and halfhearted, which was also weird to see since my brother isn’t meek like that with anyone else. Never. Didn’t realize the hold our mom has over him and his life. He was reduced to a child in that moment. Also my mom wasn’t even phased by it, standing up on the stairs looking down at him. Not at all like with me and her the day prior where I was cutting straight through her bullshit and she was getting angry enough to threaten to get physical.

The *we* left his house. Taking the kids to the park, hoping she be gone by the time we got back (she was). At the park he again brought up the restraining order and how he needs to place boundaries. I gently brought up NPD and how is it can be helpful to read about being raised by a narcissist. I have brought it up before with this sibling, but he sorta brushes it off or acts uncomfortable. Which also makes sense in hindsight. Over time at the park the restraining order became “maybe too dramatic” to “I’ll just block her” to “I understand her though” (they are eerily similar) to “change of subject”

Then we got home.

And my mom called with me hoping we’d get some leeway on this very easy process. Instead she began to talk very condescendingly to me about my attitude needing an adjustment and how I need to send her a photo of my drivers license so she knows I actually have one (what?) and how I’m making this so difficult for her and she never has conflict with anyone but me (this is the exact thing I said to her the other day and she was trying to flip it and was also said after I watched her berate my brother in his home and the grocery clerk just hours before) I put her on speaker phone so he could hear too. When I began to defend myself or ask what behaviors, she would threaten to block me. I felt like she was trying to suck me into a conflict I don’t understand again so I just ended the call.

That didn’t sit right with my brother. Frankly he began to act distant after I had the fight with our mom. He began to defend her and talk about due to my “track record” (I had a license suspension and quick reinstatement 7 years ago due to an unpaid ticket) she has a right to ask for it. This is coming from someone with multiple DUI’s and currently has a device he has to blow into to start his car. I really didnt want to talk too negatively about my brother here because like I said, we went through it with our mom and I do love him. But there are plenty of other factors with him and why I think he’s inherited the disorder, that I won’t mention here. Its not one off, there are instances that have even happened during my visit now that I won’t mention either. It sucks because theres kids involved. The cycle. But I share that as an example of what I’m dealing with…

That was the last straw. Every interaction I’ve had with them has been loaded and I typically go out of my way to quell or even appease. I’m ready to leave now. When I *asked* my mom about getting things done so I can leave a few days early and get home she said “No. I’m not gonna let you dictate what happens”.

I felt like I was losing it. Seriously. I called my eldest brother who cut her off a decade ago (she did unspeakable things to him in childhood), just to vent. Which I don’t normally do. He pretty much immediately brought up narcissism (I never mentioned to him how I suspected our mom and brother are narcissists). I was a little stunned. He even mentioned how he suspects our brother secretly enjoys and defends our mom because he relates (which I felt too). They were much closer growing up so he saw it before me. He talked me through things and even said something like “I would’ve told you not to go with both of them there like that if I knew you made that plan”. We talked for a while and he told me to remember the root of it all is deep insecurity and wanting to get a rise out of others for supply. He told for the rest of the time just let things roll off, laugh it off and kinda play “dumb” and they’ll lose interest. Which I should have already been doing.

Towards the end of the call I burst into tears, not really due to sadness but just because he totally understood and was sane. It was legitimately beginning to feel like I was losing my mind these last three days and I was beginning to think maybe I somehow am doing these things my mom accuses me of without realizing it. But I know it’s not true now and it also wasn’t true when I was a child and she’d say the same type of stinking shit.

I’m so grateful for the car and I know deep down in her twisted ways she really does want to help me, but I don’t at all feel celebrated for graduating. I feel trapped here until she signs the paperwork. And I somehow still can’t believe how hateful and irrational and self centered and lacking in empathy she can be even though shes been that way my whole life.

I also hope this post doesn’t come off as I’m thinking I’m perfect and without error and my family is all evil. I’m definitely not and they aren’t. But I just want to get the car and go home so I can start my post grad life.

As I said the clear and coherent phone call I had with my eldest sibling was very helpful and put things in perspective. I just want to post here too.